Hi Kelly,
You are obviously better.
Thank you for hte post card: It is much appreciated.
The blog about hte girl who can't read is a sly comment on the fact that men, mostly can't abide women who are very intelligent or more intelligent than they are.
I crave them.
I always had a lo tof women friends---I tried to avoid sex as it can ruin a friendship but often it didn't work.
"You sleep with all those other women."
"Guilty as charged."
"Don't you find me attractive?"
and so on. Sleep with A,B,C, D.
and E is freaked, if you remain buddies.
5 women immediately float into my mind that I had such conversations with. All attractive. One the most popular girl in our area. She just insisted. I liked her younger sister who didn't have 1/2 the personality but had a mysterious aura about her and legs that went up to her neck.
2 of the women including hte older sister were older than I.
Of the 5, 4 were one off.
The 5th was a wealthy crazy whose younger sister went ape when she heard J. had moved in with me.
Happened again when a Texas congressman's daughter persued me after a lecture and would not take "no" for an answer.
Her younger sis whent ape also.
I pain no attention to such behavior.
I cross all social lines without thinking twice.
The New Yorker is numero uno. I subscribed, here, for years then ran out of money.
Best edited mag. around and they give a writer space.
Thank you.
After 6 weeks battle with ear clog I'm a bit exhausted.
I'm also up to my ears in too many writing projects: so difficult without a computer. If you can send me the address of N+1 Mag...
Peace,
Ira
***
HI Kelly,
Anything you can scare up on Edmond Buckley would be appreciated. The story was very sad. The institution is in bad shape. Very wearing psychologically. I'm rereading Mann (Thomas) 400 pages into The Magic Mountain: It makes me aware of why I tend to avoid popular stuff. Hope you two are ok.
Ira.
Dear Ira,
I hope this letter finds youyou well, I am writing to introduce myself and to tell you about a proposed television documentary b ased on your life story that I would like to travel to interview you for.
I am a British producer working for Bearkatt Productions (a small independent production company) based in Londonb and have read extensively about your stoyr and feel that it would make for an absolutely fascinating and insightful factual documentary with your own words at the heart of it. It is clear to me that your story is by no means as straightforward as some press reports would describe and I believe it would benefit from being viewed in a completely fresh light.
As a former university professor, author and passionate political activist, it is quite clear you are a man of considerable intellect and I have no doubts that you would be able to express yourself in a highly coherent and articulate manner which would sit perfectly with the objective and considered way I would like to approach your story with.
To this end I am extremely interested to hear your own story Ira and believe that it should be at the core of any film made on the subject. It is my aim to make an objective, balanced film that covers the facts of your story, in an unsensationalistic manner rathr than the media hysteria which can accompany stories about you. It is not just hte issue of the crive you have been convicted of (that I am aware you see as a miscarriage of justice) that would be focused on, but also your fascinating background as founder of Earth Day and your work regarding the environment in the 60s and 70s.
I am quite certain this is not the first such request you've had and undoubtedly it will not be the last however, perhaps now that a few years have passed, you may feel this represents the right opportunity for you to speak about events that I do not believe has yet been faiely respresented in an oftentimes one sided media.
This would not bea quick inster into a news programme but rather a thoughtful, and intelligent in depth interview to your own words. I appreciate you may have reservations and be hesitant to do any interviews which is why I would arrange a meeting before hand in which we can discuss any concerns you may have.
If you would be interested in participating in an interview with me and indeed if you have any questions on the above then please write back to me at the address below.
Your sincerely,
Edmond Buckley,
producer.
[Ed.: All errors in the producer's letter to Ira are Edmond's.]
***
Hi Kelly,
Feedback is the name of the game. I no longer get the New Yorker.
Enclosed should interest you. [Ed.: Article about schizophrenia, but I never told him my mother is schizophrenic so that is odd.]
I need snail mail address for:
1. Paul Auster as he is VP of American Pen. I need their help on my case.
2. Charles Simic: A poet who is writing about the USA in way svery similar to what I have been doing for years.
Thank you for the New Yorker piece and your own.
My ears still bother me -- very tiring as it has been so long.
Working hard on lots of things
Hope you enjoyed your Valentine's Treat.
Hello to your Scorpio. May he continue to treat you well.
Peace, Ira
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #111
Dear Kelly---
Please excuse my brevity and somewhat rushed writing today [you know I prefer longer letters]- but just received your first two post "Amirexico" letters and watned to get something off to you before the weekend. A longer and more detailed letter to follow to be sure. So just a few observations for now.
>It would not be a Kelly travelogue without a particularly horrible airline story. Your "S&M" trip on Continental did not disappoint.
By the way, I have been hearing variations on the awfulness of airline travel for years now--from virtually everyone I know who flies. It constantly amazes me what people will put up with. These usurious fees for everything from bags to blankets would be the last straw for moi. And for perspective on the ealrier ages of airline travel, must tell you about my United Airlines flight attendant.
>But of course, for you two highly combustible personalities, one who decorates in black/white and red, dark can turn to bright light on a dime...
"Within minutes we told each other we loved each other and the rest of the trip was magical and glorious...." Awwww!
>And of course, still another relationship D-Day...this time Valentine's Day..REALLY? C'mon, KK, you know you don't really mean it. People who love each other don't set arbitrary dates, let alone abide by them...you know that!
[LikeI said and you still don't believe, I know a lot more about this than you realize and/or give me credit for. And once again, intimacy and sexuality are at the heart of it. I know that you know this but won't admit it (at least to me). That's cool.
>Loved the photo of you with your arms around Amir's neck. Does he realize that you two really do make a most attractive couple? Or does he think any couple with him in it is a good one?
Ok-just a few quick comments on your far too short reply to my earlier letter (!). Since you had just returned from Mexico, you get a pass!:
>I finally saw the CL movie. I agree it was a standard Lifetime film. By now, they have the genre down to a science. In fact, "Lifetime Movie" is a genre. Oh yes, I know his story. God knows it was the only thing on morning TV for about a week. The question you and I discussed was whether his bizarre and attn-seeking suicide was indicative of sociopathy or not.
>Comforting to know that Suave survives. Surprising that Suave would and Flex would not.
Two huge sotires dominating the news this week: The unrest/near resolution in Egypt and still another huge winter storm sweeping east to west. Btw, not that anyone cares -- there is a tremendous east coast/NYC bias when it comes to storms.
But this part of Colorado had the coldest temps in many years. It was below zero night and day for over 48 hours with lows of -18 to -22.
More to follow.
Your friend,
Michael
Please excuse my brevity and somewhat rushed writing today [you know I prefer longer letters]- but just received your first two post "Amirexico" letters and watned to get something off to you before the weekend. A longer and more detailed letter to follow to be sure. So just a few observations for now.
>It would not be a Kelly travelogue without a particularly horrible airline story. Your "S&M" trip on Continental did not disappoint.
By the way, I have been hearing variations on the awfulness of airline travel for years now--from virtually everyone I know who flies. It constantly amazes me what people will put up with. These usurious fees for everything from bags to blankets would be the last straw for moi. And for perspective on the ealrier ages of airline travel, must tell you about my United Airlines flight attendant.
>But of course, for you two highly combustible personalities, one who decorates in black/white and red, dark can turn to bright light on a dime...
"Within minutes we told each other we loved each other and the rest of the trip was magical and glorious...." Awwww!
>And of course, still another relationship D-Day...this time Valentine's Day..REALLY? C'mon, KK, you know you don't really mean it. People who love each other don't set arbitrary dates, let alone abide by them...you know that!
[LikeI said and you still don't believe, I know a lot more about this than you realize and/or give me credit for. And once again, intimacy and sexuality are at the heart of it. I know that you know this but won't admit it (at least to me). That's cool.
>Loved the photo of you with your arms around Amir's neck. Does he realize that you two really do make a most attractive couple? Or does he think any couple with him in it is a good one?
Ok-just a few quick comments on your far too short reply to my earlier letter (!). Since you had just returned from Mexico, you get a pass!:
>I finally saw the CL movie. I agree it was a standard Lifetime film. By now, they have the genre down to a science. In fact, "Lifetime Movie" is a genre. Oh yes, I know his story. God knows it was the only thing on morning TV for about a week. The question you and I discussed was whether his bizarre and attn-seeking suicide was indicative of sociopathy or not.
>Comforting to know that Suave survives. Surprising that Suave would and Flex would not.
Two huge sotires dominating the news this week: The unrest/near resolution in Egypt and still another huge winter storm sweeping east to west. Btw, not that anyone cares -- there is a tremendous east coast/NYC bias when it comes to storms.
But this part of Colorado had the coldest temps in many years. It was below zero night and day for over 48 hours with lows of -18 to -22.
More to follow.
Your friend,
Michael
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #9-11
Ed.: I am bored with this guy. He is the most pompous, boring, meglomaniac I've ever read. And on top of that he is just plan odd.
#9
Kelly,
Each day is basically the same.
Preparation for the seamless future wherein the robotic transformation of skin and blood into one gigantic maw of consumption will have been completed.
This is just on the ticker: The Chinese now own the mortgage on the White House--the Obamas have been given 30 days to find a way to pay off the 2.1 trillion dollar debt or move.
The campaign, in honor of multitasking, to run Oprah's left tit for President is underway.
Most Americans have given their blood to the economy: that has not proven enough so starting money for skin (for lamp shades) and bone (tallow for candles) will be collected. Your requirement will be on your TV, Twitter and FB pages.
No shirking---You are sheep--continue the good work.
It's time for an uprising--the tree of liberty requires fresh blood.
Do I repeat myself?
Sharp this edge of desire
often rudely serviced
with mouth's flacid warmth
or errant gripping
and loosing
until flow arrives.
Small moments
in the life
Whose pleasure is shaped
by the love that leads
those to such ends
that bring delight
Therein lies the rub
whose persistence
constantly calls upon
new love to perform.
Good metaphore (Ed.: his mispelling)
Drowining from the inside out and of course it makes senseto avoid the bigger mess when you are in the midst of your own chaos. But without so grasp of the bigger picture you may not be able to deal with your own.
Thank you for the reassurance that the possessive case is used, still, before the gerund.
Even most educated people make a mistake in such usage.
and ambiguity is a part of any large system (the chattering students).
I'm in six movies everyday, so little inclination to watch a screen.
I'm an information house and there is so little information outside of books as I have demonstrated again and again: re: TV specials.
But I love good movies and saw dountless movies in my younger daysand then in the 70s had a close friend who taught film history--he always had 2 or 3 to show me.
Do you really want to hear about threesomes? (Sex play buddies?)
One? As I'm writing about it: How conscious are you of your varying sexual desire as the month turns?
Hot around peaking.
Relatively indiffferent the rest of the month. Most women report this.
Males' are on all the time though affected situationally (context) by love, stimulation, etc.
It is the main conflict between a male with a large sex drive and the average women.
We are basically monkeys with a highly developed neo-cortex.
Deep into ID: signature in the cell
by Stephen C. Meyer is m y book of the decade.
Hope you and your lover work out.
Peace, Ira
***
#10
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for the info. I'm buried in writing and a complex multi-dimensional poem.
MY SHOPPING LIST
BUTTER
EGGS
BACON
MILK
GLOCK 19
STEAK
TOMATO SAUCE
AMMUNITION
POTATOES
PASTA
Ira Einhorn
***
#11
If THE INNER FIRE
THE NEED TO BURN
SUDDENLY CAMEALIGHT
I COULD BE A BURNING BUSH
A BEACON IN THE NIGHT
A SIGN ALONG THE ROAD
FOR THOSE SO CONFUSED
THAT THEIR REACHING IS ARMLESS
PERHAPSTHESE WORD I HONOR
DO NOT CONVEY
FOR THE TIME OF TALKING
HAS LONG PAST
AND ONLY THE EXPLOSIVE DISINTEGRATION
OF BEING IS APT:
BIT AND PIECES OF THE BODY
SMOLDERING IN THE DISUSE IN THE ROAD.
--Ira Einhorn
USA: JANUARY 2001
ALL TOGETHER NOW: WE ARE GOING TO LOOK INWARD FOR A NANOSECOND, THEN BACK TO PORNO, DRUGS, MURDER
THIS IS JUST OFF THE WIRE: AFTER EXTENSIVE TESTING POLITICIANS HAVE CONCLUDED THAT A PERSON WITH A LOADED GUN STANDING IN FRONT OF OTHERS AND SHOOTING IS NOT CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT SHOOTING PEOPLE CAUSES THEM HARM.
CITING DAVID HUME ON INDUCTION, THE 1,000 PAGE REPORT COULD FIND NO CAUSAL LINK BETWEEN SHOOTING PEOPLE AND HARM.
BREATHING A COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF AMERICANS RETURNED TO THEIR PRIMARY TASK: CONSUMPTION
WITH A TRADE OF SCHADENFREUDE FOR THE 17% UNEMPLOYED UNABLE TO JOIN THEM IN THEIR ARDUOUS TASK.
--Ira Einhorn
Hi Kelly,
Thank you for another pic. of Ms. Redwiss: I'm very partial to reds.
I'm just trying to contain my energy which is exploding in too many directions.
Focusing on a mutl-dimensional poem on the cell caled the death of neo-darwinism that will probably take longer than I can imagine, but Stephen Meyer's Signature in the Cell has got me in a way few books ever have.
I'm ont an atheist but it is obvious when you look at the research:
The cell wuz designed kick and scream though the scientists are doing Paradigm Change.
As with the end o the West as Megemonic which becomes clearer daily. Wrote over 200 pages in 20 days and hardly noticed.
Free wheeling in a collapshing environs.
Be well,
Ira
[Ed.: What do you think of all of this?]
#9
Kelly,
Each day is basically the same.
Preparation for the seamless future wherein the robotic transformation of skin and blood into one gigantic maw of consumption will have been completed.
This is just on the ticker: The Chinese now own the mortgage on the White House--the Obamas have been given 30 days to find a way to pay off the 2.1 trillion dollar debt or move.
The campaign, in honor of multitasking, to run Oprah's left tit for President is underway.
Most Americans have given their blood to the economy: that has not proven enough so starting money for skin (for lamp shades) and bone (tallow for candles) will be collected. Your requirement will be on your TV, Twitter and FB pages.
No shirking---You are sheep--continue the good work.
It's time for an uprising--the tree of liberty requires fresh blood.
Do I repeat myself?
Sharp this edge of desire
often rudely serviced
with mouth's flacid warmth
or errant gripping
and loosing
until flow arrives.
Small moments
in the life
Whose pleasure is shaped
by the love that leads
those to such ends
that bring delight
Therein lies the rub
whose persistence
constantly calls upon
new love to perform.
Good metaphore (Ed.: his mispelling)
Drowining from the inside out and of course it makes senseto avoid the bigger mess when you are in the midst of your own chaos. But without so grasp of the bigger picture you may not be able to deal with your own.
Thank you for the reassurance that the possessive case is used, still, before the gerund.
Even most educated people make a mistake in such usage.
and ambiguity is a part of any large system (the chattering students).
I'm in six movies everyday, so little inclination to watch a screen.
I'm an information house and there is so little information outside of books as I have demonstrated again and again: re: TV specials.
But I love good movies and saw dountless movies in my younger daysand then in the 70s had a close friend who taught film history--he always had 2 or 3 to show me.
Do you really want to hear about threesomes? (Sex play buddies?)
One? As I'm writing about it: How conscious are you of your varying sexual desire as the month turns?
Hot around peaking.
Relatively indiffferent the rest of the month. Most women report this.
Males' are on all the time though affected situationally (context) by love, stimulation, etc.
It is the main conflict between a male with a large sex drive and the average women.
We are basically monkeys with a highly developed neo-cortex.
Deep into ID: signature in the cell
by Stephen C. Meyer is m y book of the decade.
Hope you and your lover work out.
Peace, Ira
***
#10
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for the info. I'm buried in writing and a complex multi-dimensional poem.
MY SHOPPING LIST
BUTTER
EGGS
BACON
MILK
GLOCK 19
STEAK
TOMATO SAUCE
AMMUNITION
POTATOES
PASTA
Ira Einhorn
***
#11
If THE INNER FIRE
THE NEED TO BURN
SUDDENLY CAMEALIGHT
I COULD BE A BURNING BUSH
A BEACON IN THE NIGHT
A SIGN ALONG THE ROAD
FOR THOSE SO CONFUSED
THAT THEIR REACHING IS ARMLESS
PERHAPSTHESE WORD I HONOR
DO NOT CONVEY
FOR THE TIME OF TALKING
HAS LONG PAST
AND ONLY THE EXPLOSIVE DISINTEGRATION
OF BEING IS APT:
BIT AND PIECES OF THE BODY
SMOLDERING IN THE DISUSE IN THE ROAD.
--Ira Einhorn
USA: JANUARY 2001
ALL TOGETHER NOW: WE ARE GOING TO LOOK INWARD FOR A NANOSECOND, THEN BACK TO PORNO, DRUGS, MURDER
THIS IS JUST OFF THE WIRE: AFTER EXTENSIVE TESTING POLITICIANS HAVE CONCLUDED THAT A PERSON WITH A LOADED GUN STANDING IN FRONT OF OTHERS AND SHOOTING IS NOT CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT SHOOTING PEOPLE CAUSES THEM HARM.
CITING DAVID HUME ON INDUCTION, THE 1,000 PAGE REPORT COULD FIND NO CAUSAL LINK BETWEEN SHOOTING PEOPLE AND HARM.
BREATHING A COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF AMERICANS RETURNED TO THEIR PRIMARY TASK: CONSUMPTION
WITH A TRADE OF SCHADENFREUDE FOR THE 17% UNEMPLOYED UNABLE TO JOIN THEM IN THEIR ARDUOUS TASK.
--Ira Einhorn
Hi Kelly,
Thank you for another pic. of Ms. Redwiss: I'm very partial to reds.
I'm just trying to contain my energy which is exploding in too many directions.
Focusing on a mutl-dimensional poem on the cell caled the death of neo-darwinism that will probably take longer than I can imagine, but Stephen Meyer's Signature in the Cell has got me in a way few books ever have.
I'm ont an atheist but it is obvious when you look at the research:
The cell wuz designed kick and scream though the scientists are doing Paradigm Change.
As with the end o the West as Megemonic which becomes clearer daily. Wrote over 200 pages in 20 days and hardly noticed.
Free wheeling in a collapshing environs.
Be well,
Ira
[Ed.: What do you think of all of this?]
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #110
Dear Kelly---
You and I once discussed the critical but rarely mentioned factor in storytelling and suicide prevention: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? The key to any author's success is: Can they keep the reader interested in what will happen next?
As I write this, your Mexican weekend with Amir has happened but I don't yet know how it went. Do I want to know what happened next? ABSOLUTELY! I've already told you that both characters in the KK-Amir love story are fascinating and multi-layered. It is a story that you have already written down in detail, bit by bit, piece by piece. My God, Kelly, the tiny portion of the story that you have told me via your blogs and letters is easily a short story, or a chapter or two in a novel.
And believe me, you don't need a definitive ending for the story to be told in detail. I've already told you that I think you and Amir have more happy and sad and exhilarating and terrifying moments and episodes ahead of you. That is the nature of a love story.
OK--Just received your most recent letter. Again, written before your weekend w/Amir. Brilliant shocking pink paper! Will delvei not the always scintillating details next time, but let me thank you for the words to that amazing poem by Yeats:: SAILING TO BYZANTIUM
Believe me, I am not a poetry guy [not that there's anything wrong with it!] Besides Sailing to Byzantium, I can't tell you about another poem by Yeats or almost any other classical potet that were studied and memorized by generations of British, European and American scholars.
Of modern living poets--I have only read in detail Maxine Kumin (there's a whole story behind that). And of couse, anyone exposed to e.e. cummings can't help but be interested and recall bits and pieces...
---buffalo bill's defunct
---how do you like your blue-eyed boy, mr. death?
However when they are good, they are very good and can stab at the heart like almost nothing else.
I took a moment/and three came to mind:
>To An Athlete Dying Young
>Stop All the Clocks...
>And a poem I first heard in high school for God's sake, and never forgot: RICHARD CORY
If, somehow, this escaped your education, go online and read it NOW. But I suspect you are familiar.
And thank you for SEND IN THE CLOWNS.
Now to some of the things you mentioned in your previous letters:
Wow Kelly when you get sick, it really hits you hard doesn't it? Fever, flu, chest, throat, congested, sore, laryngitis, green good from your eye...
At this point I was thinking Andromeda Strain, and wondering if the letter would end with: The remainder of the decedent's letter is classifed by the CDC.
But , you survivied...mute, blind in one yee, enrtou tot being a "feverish Helen Keller"---antibiotics hurrah!
Again, I know m uch of this is ancient pre-New Year's Eve but you really can't compare him to John/and if you truly believed Amir ws a sociopath, I know you would not be going to Mexico with him. Again, ancient talk, I know. I await your post-Mexico Amir analysis/discussion.
I hardly know where to begin regarding this twisted tale of John in your novel about his history with HIV/AIDS. May I recommend the book, AND THE BAND PLAYED ON by Randy Shilts, who sadly died of AIDS before the advent of retrovirals in the mid-90s.
First of all---a perhaps stupid questoin/but as Dr. Lecter tell us in Silence of the Lambs: To begin, to know you must return to the first principles. So here goes:
Has anyone ever seen John have blood drawn for an HIV test and followed that blood to the lab with no interaction with John and seen a positive test?
You see my point, I am sure. It would not AT ALL be beyond the will or scope of a sociopath to fake a positive HIV test/even in a decades long hoax that gets out of hand.
But assuming the premis is true, his purported history of said disease puts him in an extremely small, almost infinitessimal percentage of extremely fortunate people living with HIV.
Trust me, sociopaths love to feel special and unique.
John is either lying or misremembering when he says tha the contacted HIV in 1985 before it was called HIV. Survey says: WRONG!
The illness that would be known as HIV/AIDS was first recognized in the US in June 1981. One of its original acronyms was GRID: Gay-related Immuno-Deficiency but by 1983 HIV was identified and named. Lab results actually showed cases of AIDS in the 70s.
There were no long letter/number combos.
His virtually unique status as an asymptomatic HIV "carrier" is even more remarkable given the fact tha the claims to have been infected during sex with a man. I assume unprotected anal sex with John as the reciever. This produced particularly deadly infections in those early days. You know how m any gay men died of AIDS in the 80s and 90s.
Again--there are cases of documented HIV infection with no symptoms, no illness, no progressoin and no medication ever needed. These people are intensely studied for obvious reasons. And they are very, very rare.
Occam's Razor tells us to search for the simplest explanation: Only two apply here:
1) The rarest of medical caes (he never took AZT especially when it was the only drug available in the 80s for HIV?
or
2) Uninfected.
Now the girlfriend situation is also most remarkable. In the novel, we learn that John had a girlfriend for six years. A woman who he was sleeping and traveling with.
Once again---and here we must be medical and specific--how many times did the girlfriend have sex with him--unprotected...hundreds?
Remarkable that she remains uninfected.
Your comment towards the end of that novel chapter says it best "IT IS ALL VERY INCONGRUOUS AND ODD."
I don't have enough evidence to know definitively either way---but there is clearly more to know...perhaps, some of the info that "cannot be discussed" yet will give us the answer.
So perhaps that can be addressed in future chapters....
Sorry to have m ade so much of this letter about such an unpleasant topic but putting aside the evil of what he did to the novel's protagonist and some of the other women--the story as a story is utterly fascinating. It touches on so many subjects---love/obsession/deception/disease...Kelly if you begin to tell your story, EVERYONE will want to know WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Thats TWO amazing stories to be told.
***
Because I've gone on for so long I can only briefly touch on another subject I want to get into much more deeply and will in next letters:
Your questions regarding the firm the Young Prisoner's Handbook are--as always--to the point. Will answer what I can. Definitely a subject for a short story.
And I love your strength and willingness to stand up for what you think and want. I love, love, love that in a woman. Many men do not, as I'm SURE you know.
You see, conflict and disagreement, sometimes intense, are absolutely part of two people getting to know each other/learning what each other think.
So you do want to see that [hours and hours of a] snuff film of my life. Fair enough, I can assure you, nothing about it would be boring.
And regarding "POINT TWO" I can admit when I've been wrong and have made assumptions with limited knowledge...Point taken, and point accepted.
And your last lines of that paragraph are brilliantly true: It is the things sex makes us do that are endlessly fascinating (obsession) or beautiful (love) or horrendous (murders of giflriends or wives) .
So again, I perhaps spoke too soon. My apologies. See, I'm not so awful!!!
And of course will continue to discuss sex when it seems appropriate or just mention it to tweak your sensibilities. (Maybe I am awful...)
Anyway, bottom line. This letter is only a start. So much to discuss. More to follow. And news on teh weekend to be sure. .
Take care of yourself, Kelly. Stay warm---lots of winter still to come. Thinking of you.
Your friend,
Michael.
You and I once discussed the critical but rarely mentioned factor in storytelling and suicide prevention: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? The key to any author's success is: Can they keep the reader interested in what will happen next?
As I write this, your Mexican weekend with Amir has happened but I don't yet know how it went. Do I want to know what happened next? ABSOLUTELY! I've already told you that both characters in the KK-Amir love story are fascinating and multi-layered. It is a story that you have already written down in detail, bit by bit, piece by piece. My God, Kelly, the tiny portion of the story that you have told me via your blogs and letters is easily a short story, or a chapter or two in a novel.
And believe me, you don't need a definitive ending for the story to be told in detail. I've already told you that I think you and Amir have more happy and sad and exhilarating and terrifying moments and episodes ahead of you. That is the nature of a love story.
OK--Just received your most recent letter. Again, written before your weekend w/Amir. Brilliant shocking pink paper! Will delvei not the always scintillating details next time, but let me thank you for the words to that amazing poem by Yeats:: SAILING TO BYZANTIUM
Believe me, I am not a poetry guy [not that there's anything wrong with it!] Besides Sailing to Byzantium, I can't tell you about another poem by Yeats or almost any other classical potet that were studied and memorized by generations of British, European and American scholars.
Of modern living poets--I have only read in detail Maxine Kumin (there's a whole story behind that). And of couse, anyone exposed to e.e. cummings can't help but be interested and recall bits and pieces...
---buffalo bill's defunct
---how do you like your blue-eyed boy, mr. death?
However when they are good, they are very good and can stab at the heart like almost nothing else.
I took a moment/and three came to mind:
>To An Athlete Dying Young
>Stop All the Clocks...
>And a poem I first heard in high school for God's sake, and never forgot: RICHARD CORY
If, somehow, this escaped your education, go online and read it NOW. But I suspect you are familiar.
And thank you for SEND IN THE CLOWNS.
Now to some of the things you mentioned in your previous letters:
Wow Kelly when you get sick, it really hits you hard doesn't it? Fever, flu, chest, throat, congested, sore, laryngitis, green good from your eye...
At this point I was thinking Andromeda Strain, and wondering if the letter would end with: The remainder of the decedent's letter is classifed by the CDC.
But , you survivied...mute, blind in one yee, enrtou tot being a "feverish Helen Keller"---antibiotics hurrah!
Again, I know m uch of this is ancient pre-New Year's Eve but you really can't compare him to John/and if you truly believed Amir ws a sociopath, I know you would not be going to Mexico with him. Again, ancient talk, I know. I await your post-Mexico Amir analysis/discussion.
I hardly know where to begin regarding this twisted tale of John in your novel about his history with HIV/AIDS. May I recommend the book, AND THE BAND PLAYED ON by Randy Shilts, who sadly died of AIDS before the advent of retrovirals in the mid-90s.
First of all---a perhaps stupid questoin/but as Dr. Lecter tell us in Silence of the Lambs: To begin, to know you must return to the first principles. So here goes:
Has anyone ever seen John have blood drawn for an HIV test and followed that blood to the lab with no interaction with John and seen a positive test?
You see my point, I am sure. It would not AT ALL be beyond the will or scope of a sociopath to fake a positive HIV test/even in a decades long hoax that gets out of hand.
But assuming the premis is true, his purported history of said disease puts him in an extremely small, almost infinitessimal percentage of extremely fortunate people living with HIV.
Trust me, sociopaths love to feel special and unique.
John is either lying or misremembering when he says tha the contacted HIV in 1985 before it was called HIV. Survey says: WRONG!
The illness that would be known as HIV/AIDS was first recognized in the US in June 1981. One of its original acronyms was GRID: Gay-related Immuno-Deficiency but by 1983 HIV was identified and named. Lab results actually showed cases of AIDS in the 70s.
There were no long letter/number combos.
His virtually unique status as an asymptomatic HIV "carrier" is even more remarkable given the fact tha the claims to have been infected during sex with a man. I assume unprotected anal sex with John as the reciever. This produced particularly deadly infections in those early days. You know how m any gay men died of AIDS in the 80s and 90s.
Again--there are cases of documented HIV infection with no symptoms, no illness, no progressoin and no medication ever needed. These people are intensely studied for obvious reasons. And they are very, very rare.
Occam's Razor tells us to search for the simplest explanation: Only two apply here:
1) The rarest of medical caes (he never took AZT especially when it was the only drug available in the 80s for HIV?
or
2) Uninfected.
Now the girlfriend situation is also most remarkable. In the novel, we learn that John had a girlfriend for six years. A woman who he was sleeping and traveling with.
Once again---and here we must be medical and specific--how many times did the girlfriend have sex with him--unprotected...hundreds?
Remarkable that she remains uninfected.
Your comment towards the end of that novel chapter says it best "IT IS ALL VERY INCONGRUOUS AND ODD."
I don't have enough evidence to know definitively either way---but there is clearly more to know...perhaps, some of the info that "cannot be discussed" yet will give us the answer.
So perhaps that can be addressed in future chapters....
Sorry to have m ade so much of this letter about such an unpleasant topic but putting aside the evil of what he did to the novel's protagonist and some of the other women--the story as a story is utterly fascinating. It touches on so many subjects---love/obsession/deception/disease...Kelly if you begin to tell your story, EVERYONE will want to know WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Thats TWO amazing stories to be told.
***
Because I've gone on for so long I can only briefly touch on another subject I want to get into much more deeply and will in next letters:
Your questions regarding the firm the Young Prisoner's Handbook are--as always--to the point. Will answer what I can. Definitely a subject for a short story.
And I love your strength and willingness to stand up for what you think and want. I love, love, love that in a woman. Many men do not, as I'm SURE you know.
You see, conflict and disagreement, sometimes intense, are absolutely part of two people getting to know each other/learning what each other think.
So you do want to see that [hours and hours of a] snuff film of my life. Fair enough, I can assure you, nothing about it would be boring.
And regarding "POINT TWO" I can admit when I've been wrong and have made assumptions with limited knowledge...Point taken, and point accepted.
And your last lines of that paragraph are brilliantly true: It is the things sex makes us do that are endlessly fascinating (obsession) or beautiful (love) or horrendous (murders of giflriends or wives) .
So again, I perhaps spoke too soon. My apologies. See, I'm not so awful!!!
And of course will continue to discuss sex when it seems appropriate or just mention it to tweak your sensibilities. (Maybe I am awful...)
Anyway, bottom line. This letter is only a start. So much to discuss. More to follow. And news on teh weekend to be sure. .
Take care of yourself, Kelly. Stay warm---lots of winter still to come. Thinking of you.
Your friend,
Michael.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #106-109
#106
Ed: He discusses a bunch of movies and shows but the most interesting topics addressed are:
*Although I thought otherwise beforehand, I did not have my most intense and powerful sexual experiences until my late 30s. No. not obsessed jut telling a truth, AND in the interest of full disclosure...sadly my sociopathic proclivities reached their peak in Africa after that. But I don't think you have to worry about that. [Ed.: He was referring to how now that I"m 40 I shouldn't worry about things being on the decline...]
*He writes at length about a topic I brought up about the arsenic-utilizing bacteria discovered recently. As you know, he is interested in arsenic like nobody's business. He gets into the chemical and scientific properties of the newly discovered bacterium.
#107
He quotes Dickens because of the holiday, asks for me to send him a printout of the poem Sailing to Byzantium, is fascinated by Flex disappearing from the market and tells me he uses generic brand shampoo purchased in prison. He believes Amir is narcissistic but not a sociopath. However he says that John clearly is one. "Regarding the possible novelization of your experiences with John...it opens exactly as you proposed with your Modern Love draft---the gaze across the room and mouthed words... Then in a series of flashbacks we tell the story of how John was initially infected, and how he came to be the sociopath that came into your life. while your story with him moves forward..."
#108
This letter starts out with him writing all the words to Papparazzi by Lady GaGa. He goes on to discuss the Puzzle Project, movies, and Amir.
#109
My Dear Kelly,
Kelly and Amir
Sitting in a tree
KISSING
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes [*] in a baby carriage.
*A quite attractive child whether male or female. I've seen the bloodlines!
Yes! I have received your relatively brief letter with the New Year's photo, plus two postcards, one of which mentioned your weekend with Amir in Mexico which begins tomorrow. My God! You must be excited.
You do realize that I do not find it totally unexpected. You two have been doing an intricate love dance for a long time even as you both try to deny it yourselves.
I know you will find this hard to believe, but despite my history, I do appreciate (as much as anyone can) and understand the emotional ups and downs, the aching physical symptoms, and the utterly illogical thought processes that occur when you think you might be in love, or that someone loves you or you hope someone loves you or don't or not enough and a thousand other permutations.
...and the dark side of obsession, fixation, violence, and sometimes....death.
Although I believe I am the only person who saw it and loved it, The Good Girl starring Jennifer Aniston, says it best. Amir "gets you" and you "get him". I know this because otherwise your contact with each other (which both of you cannot stop) would have ceased long ago. A beautiful, complex, intricate, dance as old as civilized m an...whether this weekend is a true milestone or just another step in the dance really doesn't matter...
Enjoy, absorb, take in every sensation...I mean mental and emotional as well as physical. Again, you may not believe this but even with my past history of sociopathic behavior and actions, I know and understand and have seen and felt far more than you realize.
I will await word on your Mexican lover's weekend!
[Ed.: I'm cutting out film and article talk.]
Ed: He discusses a bunch of movies and shows but the most interesting topics addressed are:
*Although I thought otherwise beforehand, I did not have my most intense and powerful sexual experiences until my late 30s. No. not obsessed jut telling a truth, AND in the interest of full disclosure...sadly my sociopathic proclivities reached their peak in Africa after that. But I don't think you have to worry about that. [Ed.: He was referring to how now that I"m 40 I shouldn't worry about things being on the decline...]
*He writes at length about a topic I brought up about the arsenic-utilizing bacteria discovered recently. As you know, he is interested in arsenic like nobody's business. He gets into the chemical and scientific properties of the newly discovered bacterium.
#107
He quotes Dickens because of the holiday, asks for me to send him a printout of the poem Sailing to Byzantium, is fascinated by Flex disappearing from the market and tells me he uses generic brand shampoo purchased in prison. He believes Amir is narcissistic but not a sociopath. However he says that John clearly is one. "Regarding the possible novelization of your experiences with John...it opens exactly as you proposed with your Modern Love draft---the gaze across the room and mouthed words... Then in a series of flashbacks we tell the story of how John was initially infected, and how he came to be the sociopath that came into your life. while your story with him moves forward..."
#108
This letter starts out with him writing all the words to Papparazzi by Lady GaGa. He goes on to discuss the Puzzle Project, movies, and Amir.
#109
My Dear Kelly,
Kelly and Amir
Sitting in a tree
KISSING
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes [*] in a baby carriage.
*A quite attractive child whether male or female. I've seen the bloodlines!
Yes! I have received your relatively brief letter with the New Year's photo, plus two postcards, one of which mentioned your weekend with Amir in Mexico which begins tomorrow. My God! You must be excited.
You do realize that I do not find it totally unexpected. You two have been doing an intricate love dance for a long time even as you both try to deny it yourselves.
I know you will find this hard to believe, but despite my history, I do appreciate (as much as anyone can) and understand the emotional ups and downs, the aching physical symptoms, and the utterly illogical thought processes that occur when you think you might be in love, or that someone loves you or you hope someone loves you or don't or not enough and a thousand other permutations.
...and the dark side of obsession, fixation, violence, and sometimes....death.
Although I believe I am the only person who saw it and loved it, The Good Girl starring Jennifer Aniston, says it best. Amir "gets you" and you "get him". I know this because otherwise your contact with each other (which both of you cannot stop) would have ceased long ago. A beautiful, complex, intricate, dance as old as civilized m an...whether this weekend is a true milestone or just another step in the dance really doesn't matter...
Enjoy, absorb, take in every sensation...I mean mental and emotional as well as physical. Again, you may not believe this but even with my past history of sociopathic behavior and actions, I know and understand and have seen and felt far more than you realize.
I will await word on your Mexican lover's weekend!
[Ed.: I'm cutting out film and article talk.]
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #56
Dear Kelly,
It's late and I'm just sort of marinating in my feelings after my ex wrote me tonight and told me she's getting married this spring, two weeks before my birthday. She's the only woman I've ever been in love with . I've been with all sorts of women; super feminine , butch, thin, fat, white, brown, black, younger, older, but she is something so special. There was a time in my life I thought I would spend forever with her. This is really a first for me. I think if David, my first love, ever, were to tell me he's married or having kids, I think I'd break down to pieces and eat 10,000 calorie aday until I was 200 pounds and I don't know. She's one of my best friends and I actually like her fiancee, which makes this easier to deal with or maybe harder because I can't hate her soon to be wife, so I have to be happy about it just because she's happy, and that's what is most important. This sucks because it changes things, but I don't know how.
Hootie's singing a sad love song on the radio, killing me softly.
And you! Just got back from Mexico with Amir! How great was that? I do believe this is the next step in something beautiful. (or heartbreaking, possibly, but one hell of an adventure!). Those butterflies you get with him, that's the stuff of great romances, the stuff I once had...everyday for two years, even. When we weren't being romantic we were the close friends, and I'll still get butterflies just seeing her smile at me.
Ugh.
New Year's Eve was totally uneventful. I sat doing some creative writing, heard "Happy New Year, ladies" over the intercom and went back to writing. In general population, we often got creative, cook microwave meals, and watch Dick Clark, but in here, we'll all locked in dark cells. Last year, I did a ritual prayer to the Universal Spirit. It was answered throughout the year, although God has a terrible sense of humor.
I usually listen to the football games, but sometimes during my hour of recreation, in a room w/ a tv, a football game will be on. But 98% of the games, I can catch on an AM station. The Colts are out of the playoffs. It's now down to four teams and I'm hoping to see the Superbowl be played by the Chicago Bears vs. the New York Jets. I want Chicago to win, but I think that would be a great game to hear/see. Do you ever keep up with any sport? Or even care what the Yankees, Giants, Jets, Knicks, anyone of them are doing? Probably not. I don't have a TV in my room because there are no electrical outlets. Even if I did I would only use it for sports or crafty shows, or Public Broadcast News. But for now I have Westwood One and NPR with the BBC news, and that's good enough for me. If I need a laugh there's always ghosts and aliens on Coast to Coast or talk radio stupidity.
Your New Year's experience with Amir,meeting his long-time friends, and then going to Mexico...Valentine's Day on the horizen, then the premiere in May... Kelly, I think you should learn how to say "I love you" in Farsi and "Yes, I will marry you."
I mean, I'm just saying...
If youcan't find motivation to job search, then maybe you shoudl invest your time in Kartoonz and a trila of Rosetta Stone to improve your value to Mr. Amir!
I'm geting some really good advice fro m the Freanch guy. former mail artist/activist. I'm always working on making this shit work one way or another.
This whole past two weeks has been hell, mentally.
I'm not sure if I'm morphing into a fruit, a nut or a vegetable. After a minor breakdown Thursday, I have slowly climbed back into reality. I posted up a little note where I can always see it that is on a little bright pink square from a letter you sent: (I LOVE BRIGHT COLORS) and I wrote:
STAY LATER.
WORK HARDER.
BE A CHAMPION.
___
I have a habit of posting motivation on my folders, pencil box, food boxes, trash can, everywhere. It works. Try it. On my Colgate toothpaste box-turned pencil box, I taped:
FIGHT BACK
Next to it is a mini picture of Edvard Munch's "Scream".
AHHHHHHHH.
When I hear songs like "Eye of the Tiger" I get up and sing loud and get moving, doing shit. Find out what motivates you. And do it.
Maybe Amir's ex is some sleazy Paris Hilton or someone. Did you know she was arrested in South Africa during the World Cup for smoking a joint in front of a policeman? What a dumbass. Have you looked through his media-related photos for a possible glimpse? Perhaps if you were to go to DC to have dinner with his molm, you can form a bond, get a clue, or ask to look through his family album, as he surely took her to a family event, yes? or has her in there somewhere...
Do you know the LaMama Theater? I heard the founder died and heard clips of interviews with her and people she helped make famous in her off-Broadway shows. I forget her name, but as I know how you enjoy theater, I wondered if you'd been to one there.
I'm tired and still sort of emotionally numb. I need to cry or somethign and deal with the inevitable sadness, and get it over with. I also have a load of case laws to read. It never ends.
Take care, I hope the Universe blesses you today.
Sarah
It's late and I'm just sort of marinating in my feelings after my ex wrote me tonight and told me she's getting married this spring, two weeks before my birthday. She's the only woman I've ever been in love with . I've been with all sorts of women; super feminine , butch, thin, fat, white, brown, black, younger, older, but she is something so special. There was a time in my life I thought I would spend forever with her. This is really a first for me. I think if David, my first love, ever, were to tell me he's married or having kids, I think I'd break down to pieces and eat 10,000 calorie aday until I was 200 pounds and I don't know. She's one of my best friends and I actually like her fiancee, which makes this easier to deal with or maybe harder because I can't hate her soon to be wife, so I have to be happy about it just because she's happy, and that's what is most important. This sucks because it changes things, but I don't know how.
Hootie's singing a sad love song on the radio, killing me softly.
And you! Just got back from Mexico with Amir! How great was that? I do believe this is the next step in something beautiful. (or heartbreaking, possibly, but one hell of an adventure!). Those butterflies you get with him, that's the stuff of great romances, the stuff I once had...everyday for two years, even. When we weren't being romantic we were the close friends, and I'll still get butterflies just seeing her smile at me.
Ugh.
New Year's Eve was totally uneventful. I sat doing some creative writing, heard "Happy New Year, ladies" over the intercom and went back to writing. In general population, we often got creative, cook microwave meals, and watch Dick Clark, but in here, we'll all locked in dark cells. Last year, I did a ritual prayer to the Universal Spirit. It was answered throughout the year, although God has a terrible sense of humor.
I usually listen to the football games, but sometimes during my hour of recreation, in a room w/ a tv, a football game will be on. But 98% of the games, I can catch on an AM station. The Colts are out of the playoffs. It's now down to four teams and I'm hoping to see the Superbowl be played by the Chicago Bears vs. the New York Jets. I want Chicago to win, but I think that would be a great game to hear/see. Do you ever keep up with any sport? Or even care what the Yankees, Giants, Jets, Knicks, anyone of them are doing? Probably not. I don't have a TV in my room because there are no electrical outlets. Even if I did I would only use it for sports or crafty shows, or Public Broadcast News. But for now I have Westwood One and NPR with the BBC news, and that's good enough for me. If I need a laugh there's always ghosts and aliens on Coast to Coast or talk radio stupidity.
Your New Year's experience with Amir,meeting his long-time friends, and then going to Mexico...Valentine's Day on the horizen, then the premiere in May... Kelly, I think you should learn how to say "I love you" in Farsi and "Yes, I will marry you."
I mean, I'm just saying...
If youcan't find motivation to job search, then maybe you shoudl invest your time in Kartoonz and a trila of Rosetta Stone to improve your value to Mr. Amir!
I'm geting some really good advice fro m the Freanch guy. former mail artist/activist. I'm always working on making this shit work one way or another.
This whole past two weeks has been hell, mentally.
I'm not sure if I'm morphing into a fruit, a nut or a vegetable. After a minor breakdown Thursday, I have slowly climbed back into reality. I posted up a little note where I can always see it that is on a little bright pink square from a letter you sent: (I LOVE BRIGHT COLORS) and I wrote:
STAY LATER.
WORK HARDER.
BE A CHAMPION.
___
I have a habit of posting motivation on my folders, pencil box, food boxes, trash can, everywhere. It works. Try it. On my Colgate toothpaste box-turned pencil box, I taped:
FIGHT BACK
Next to it is a mini picture of Edvard Munch's "Scream".
AHHHHHHHH.
When I hear songs like "Eye of the Tiger" I get up and sing loud and get moving, doing shit. Find out what motivates you. And do it.
Maybe Amir's ex is some sleazy Paris Hilton or someone. Did you know she was arrested in South Africa during the World Cup for smoking a joint in front of a policeman? What a dumbass. Have you looked through his media-related photos for a possible glimpse? Perhaps if you were to go to DC to have dinner with his molm, you can form a bond, get a clue, or ask to look through his family album, as he surely took her to a family event, yes? or has her in there somewhere...
Do you know the LaMama Theater? I heard the founder died and heard clips of interviews with her and people she helped make famous in her off-Broadway shows. I forget her name, but as I know how you enjoy theater, I wondered if you'd been to one there.
I'm tired and still sort of emotionally numb. I need to cry or somethign and deal with the inevitable sadness, and get it over with. I also have a load of case laws to read. It never ends.
Take care, I hope the Universe blesses you today.
Sarah
