Kelly,
Great to hear from you! I found the enclosures interesting, as it seems to support more and more of the US population being incarcerated or knowing someone who is/has been. I believe it is directly related to our culture and what we embrace in the media. Honestly, I have turned into my parents' peers, thinking about violence in movies, video games, sitcoms, music, books, etc. And the degradation of the family institution. Pushing God out of schools should have been accomplished by ushering in ethics classes or something.
You mentioned how you wonder how you'd handle going to prison. Well, going to jail and going to prison are very different experiences. Jail is the worse of the two because of how dirty and cold everything is. And a lot of people there are still drunk, on drugs, or doing them. (What they smuggled up inside them.) People are more assholes in county jail, territorial, less supervised, and there's no peace. The strip search, de-lousing, the noise, smells, awful food, etc. is hard. Once you get to prison, people are more settled. They have more autonomy, and life is more normal. People have jobs, their own clothes/uniforms, possessions, there is more to do to keep people occupied, and the guards are nicer in prison than in jail. There's a lot more, but--oh prison is much cleaner! I think if you had issues, it would be with the uncleanliness and inability to get away from chaos. Although the whole first part sucks, you usually find one other person you connect with and you keep each other sane with normal conversation and a buddy system for toilet use, meals, etc.
I'm curious why you aren't interested in a dating/casual sex relationship with Amir, at least why you are still looking. Do you have to be in exclusive relationships to have sex?
How's the job search? Have you gotten a sign about what you should do with your career? Stay self-employed? Or go into the normal 9-5 workforce? I know about going too many directions and spreading yourself too thin. No one gets your full attention, which also means that nothing you do is fully yours in a way you can say you did your best. Your life begins to run you instead of you running your life. So, what are you committed to?
[redacted.]
I get a kick out of you calling your dog THE MINI. Not just Mini, but THE MINI. The one and onlyl. Mini. You are aggressive? In what way? You can train him not to bark at other dogs. It's offensive todogs, hence him getting bit in the face the other week. I know Mini is wagging his tail but its the equivalent of you screaming in my ear while hugging me.
It takes patiences, consistency and lots of dog treats!
Thanks for the info on Antisocial Personality Disorder. That was really informative. So, what's the additional criteria for being a sociopath? or is it one and the same? This is interesting because I realize I do know a lot of people here that are this way. I had a buddy ask me if I thought she was a sociopath. I said I didn't know because I don't know all the symptons, but that it was possible. At the least, she needs therapy and a good kick in the ass.
And what's the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath? From reading those, I am pretty sure Rick is one or at least something similar.
If you hate yoga,, why do you go? Because its free?
I forgot what day your birthday is on. I didn't write it down. What is it? Did you take the New Orleans trip for a self-present? I've never been, but I'd love to go to the French Quarter and drink on Bourban St. Did you get a t-shirt? That sounds corny, but it seems appropriate from NO. What all neat stuff did you eat? Please tell me you ate alligator. I must know what it tastes like. If you say chicken, I"ll die!
I did a watercolor on the envelope for you. Cherry blossoms to mark spring. I've been working on a series of themed envelopes to use as gifs in exchange for donations to my legal fund. Free Sarah Fund! I've been making progress.
I went through and collected chunks of my trial and post trial record and new evidence to put in a packet together for building a new court petitiion. I got a copy of the supposed confession letter used against me in court, along with the handwriting examples the analyst used and I'm having it re-analyzed. I absolutely did not write this letter, Kelly. It doesn't match my writing in several marked ways, not only the letter differences, but spacing, shape, and height. Spelling, punctuation, style and form. Vocabulary usage. Length. Even down to the fold. My whole life I have tri-folded letters, from being a secretary and before that working for my father. It wasfolded with quarters, like Rick does. It does not have my fingerprints on it. There wasn't even a postmarked envelope with it. And it's so juvenile, it's pathetic. My attorney was USELESS. I'm telling you, my trial was a CIRCUS.
Anyway, when Rick admitted to having another man forget the letter using samples ofm y writing, I thought it was enough, and I didn't need an analyst. The guy who sid he wrote it--his prints ARE on the letter. And when I sent the private investigator over there, the guy didn't deny it. He said Rick showed him samples of my writing and asked him to write a letter. But he didn't admit it, either. Whe the PI was about to leave he asked, "If I DID write the letter, how much trouble woudl I be in?"
Once I put him on the stand, he denied writing it. What could I do?
Anyway, I"m working on finding a case where new evidence was introduced or old evidence was impeached using a post-trial expert. Mom found a lady who's been analyzing handwriting for 21 years in Chicago. $600 for the analysis. $200-$500 to present a report/testimony for the courts.
I am also looking into a new software that analyzes handwriting statistically. Been out about 5 years. In trials, it was 94-97% accurate in 1000 cases. That's way better than humans. I'm also looking for trials where people tested human accuracy.
Beyond that my friend's friend who is an attorney is willing to look at what I've put together and see what help she can provide either herself or finding a group that's interested in justice to help.
In fact, I need to get working on finishing that legal packet. I have been focused on legal, legal, legal. Creating what's possible out of what appears otherwise.
It's an adventure!
Take care!
Sarah
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #79
The one in which he goes into great detail about anal sex even though I've asked him repeatedly not to write about anything sexual in nature or explicit:
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #31
Kelly,
It's always a joy to receive a letter from you. After all the dumb shit you've put up with from Reid, he destroys the relationship and blames it on you. This is what I see: Reid is deeply committed to being right, looking good, and avoiding looking bad. (All very human traits.) He does stuff like cheating on Scrabble, then lying about it, then defending himself when you accuse him and then finally, attacking you when you accused him of insulting your intelligence so he could be right about you dissolving the relationship.
This has nothing to do with you, Kelly. Not your superior [to his] Scrabble skills, not your OCD, not your choice in men...none of it. It's all about Reid. He is so committed to being right that he will sacrifice his integrity, and be a slave to his own emotions and self-consciousness. He will offend others, lose relationships, and live in a completely inauthentic world. Because he must be right.
Imagine how terrible that must be for him. He lives inside a commitment that runs his life. (And pissed you off.)
I write this as an alternative to seeing Reid as an asshole who insults your intelligence, instead, as a person who is run by his own invisible (to him) story that he must be right, must look good and must avoid looking bad. This shifts the point of view from you being a victim of his selfishness to him being a victim of his own commitment to being right. So you get that? The effects, actions, don't change. He cheats. You confront. He lies. You confront. He insults you. But if you shift your perspective what does that create? Well, instead of experiencing anger and frustration, perhaps you feel compassion and pity for him, and are able to avoid negative emotions. Basically, you give up being right about him being an asshole and in return, you have a more peaceful state of mind, and you grant him the ability to be himself: someone who cheats, lies and insults his friends, instead of making him wrong for it.
Now, I'm not suggesting you actually do this. It may not work you you--perhaps you like being right about his assholeness. Not a problem. Just know that you have a choice about how you experience your life. You can experience it as a victim of Reid's asshole tendencies, or you can experience it as a compassionate friend who grants being to someone's generally annoying tendencies that he cannot help because he is run by the invisible commitment to being right. But you don't have to be run by it. You have a choice.
That's the exact same thing I was talking about when it comes to responsibility. I can look at myself as a victim of Rick's actions, or I an have compassion about what inside him, what story in his head, what commitment ran him to kill Trish and Drew. It's easy to look at people and situations and point out what is bad and wrong. Well, I'm not interested in being judgemental. I'm interested in understanding. Sure, there are times when I get angry and feel helpless about getting a retardedly unfair trial and sentence. There was a moment I considered helping Rick escape prison just so I could have the opportunity to beat him thoroughly for what he did to me. But those feleings of anger don't feel good to me, the fear, shame, anger, etc. -- so I choose instead of being a victim, to 1) understand him and have compassion 2) take responsibility for all the choices I made in my life that helped me get to this point. It's simply a shift of perspective that gives me a choice in how I experience life. Negative vs. Positive. Victim vs. Powerful. I choose the latter because the past will never change, but I can have some say in how my present and future feel and go.
That is my point. NOT that Drew and Trish are responsible. Not that I am responsible. I'm not telling you these things are the truth. or reality. What are those? I'm only saying that by shifting into that p.o.v., I make my life better. I givem yself a choice how I go through life.
In your case (or anyone else) I'd never tell you that something's your fault or responsibility. I can't tell you how you experience your life. And I am not into making people wrong. If you had died because of you ex I would not think it was all your responsibility, but I could come up with a shift where it coudl be, if you wanted it to be. I am not telling you what reality is. I'm telling you that you have a choice in what your experience of reality is. You have the power.
Does that make sense?
[Ed: I didn't tell her anything about John. I merely told her that my interest in writing to prisoners was sparked by an infortunate experience I had with an ex-relationship where a man I dated did something could have killed me.]
And I totally appreciate you sharing a little bit around that mystery blog.[Ed.: I had sent her John's three blog entries, without explanation, asking her to merely read them and tell me what she thought of the narrator.] I trusted that you had a good reason to withhold that info--to keep my opinion unbiased. I wonder if you've gained any insight about sociopath's from writing to prisoners. Honestly I don't even know what indicates someone is a sociopath, except that they are rooted in anger and antisocial behavior. That idiot News reporter asked me if I was a sociopath. I have never felt or exhibited irrational anger; I am one of the most forgiving and kind people in the world. Anti-social: Shit. I never met a stranger. What, exactly, is a sociopath?
I totally understand you not feeling comfortable about talking about an open law case. Not a problem. I don't take it personally. [Ed.: I am redacting a portion where she tries to guess what my ex- might have done that could have ended up killing me. She is very perceptive, so I am redacting that portion.]
Besides, I like your rants. It's fun to make people wrong. Especially when they are such pieces of work.
Poor Mini! Anytime animals or children get hurt or cry, it elicits this intense hormonal response in me. It's a maternal thing. I think. First, human fight/flight adrenaline--because hurt and danger. Then it being something/someone you care for. What hurts/scares them, hurts/scares you. I would have cried too, Kelly. [Ed.: She is referencing what I wrote about how a dog lunged and nipped Mini and he screamed so loud and I started crying, scared for him.]
I like that you had a date this week, especially with someone employed and ambitious. I like his Mormon story. And his friend's affair with the LOST woman. Makes for good stories. Was there any chemistry there? Any follow up dates planned? (Way better than Reidtard.)
Thanks for the clarification about FB. Mom says there's a blog option on MySpace and that's where she posts now b/c wordpress is hard for people to find. I guess it's getting good traffic. I posted some new ones last week you'd like.
I also received a request for an interview for the cable tv show, "I Almost Got Away With It" about fugitives. It's documentary style for the Discovery Channel. Ever see it? What do you think?
It's late. I hope you are well and your life is looking better for you. I think your life if neat.
-<3Sarah
It's always a joy to receive a letter from you. After all the dumb shit you've put up with from Reid, he destroys the relationship and blames it on you. This is what I see: Reid is deeply committed to being right, looking good, and avoiding looking bad. (All very human traits.) He does stuff like cheating on Scrabble, then lying about it, then defending himself when you accuse him and then finally, attacking you when you accused him of insulting your intelligence so he could be right about you dissolving the relationship.
This has nothing to do with you, Kelly. Not your superior [to his] Scrabble skills, not your OCD, not your choice in men...none of it. It's all about Reid. He is so committed to being right that he will sacrifice his integrity, and be a slave to his own emotions and self-consciousness. He will offend others, lose relationships, and live in a completely inauthentic world. Because he must be right.
Imagine how terrible that must be for him. He lives inside a commitment that runs his life. (And pissed you off.)
I write this as an alternative to seeing Reid as an asshole who insults your intelligence, instead, as a person who is run by his own invisible (to him) story that he must be right, must look good and must avoid looking bad. This shifts the point of view from you being a victim of his selfishness to him being a victim of his own commitment to being right. So you get that? The effects, actions, don't change. He cheats. You confront. He lies. You confront. He insults you. But if you shift your perspective what does that create? Well, instead of experiencing anger and frustration, perhaps you feel compassion and pity for him, and are able to avoid negative emotions. Basically, you give up being right about him being an asshole and in return, you have a more peaceful state of mind, and you grant him the ability to be himself: someone who cheats, lies and insults his friends, instead of making him wrong for it.
Now, I'm not suggesting you actually do this. It may not work you you--perhaps you like being right about his assholeness. Not a problem. Just know that you have a choice about how you experience your life. You can experience it as a victim of Reid's asshole tendencies, or you can experience it as a compassionate friend who grants being to someone's generally annoying tendencies that he cannot help because he is run by the invisible commitment to being right. But you don't have to be run by it. You have a choice.
That's the exact same thing I was talking about when it comes to responsibility. I can look at myself as a victim of Rick's actions, or I an have compassion about what inside him, what story in his head, what commitment ran him to kill Trish and Drew. It's easy to look at people and situations and point out what is bad and wrong. Well, I'm not interested in being judgemental. I'm interested in understanding. Sure, there are times when I get angry and feel helpless about getting a retardedly unfair trial and sentence. There was a moment I considered helping Rick escape prison just so I could have the opportunity to beat him thoroughly for what he did to me. But those feleings of anger don't feel good to me, the fear, shame, anger, etc. -- so I choose instead of being a victim, to 1) understand him and have compassion 2) take responsibility for all the choices I made in my life that helped me get to this point. It's simply a shift of perspective that gives me a choice in how I experience life. Negative vs. Positive. Victim vs. Powerful. I choose the latter because the past will never change, but I can have some say in how my present and future feel and go.
That is my point. NOT that Drew and Trish are responsible. Not that I am responsible. I'm not telling you these things are the truth. or reality. What are those? I'm only saying that by shifting into that p.o.v., I make my life better. I givem yself a choice how I go through life.
In your case (or anyone else) I'd never tell you that something's your fault or responsibility. I can't tell you how you experience your life. And I am not into making people wrong. If you had died because of you ex I would not think it was all your responsibility, but I could come up with a shift where it coudl be, if you wanted it to be. I am not telling you what reality is. I'm telling you that you have a choice in what your experience of reality is. You have the power.
Does that make sense?
[Ed: I didn't tell her anything about John. I merely told her that my interest in writing to prisoners was sparked by an infortunate experience I had with an ex-relationship where a man I dated did something could have killed me.]
And I totally appreciate you sharing a little bit around that mystery blog.[Ed.: I had sent her John's three blog entries, without explanation, asking her to merely read them and tell me what she thought of the narrator.] I trusted that you had a good reason to withhold that info--to keep my opinion unbiased. I wonder if you've gained any insight about sociopath's from writing to prisoners. Honestly I don't even know what indicates someone is a sociopath, except that they are rooted in anger and antisocial behavior. That idiot News reporter asked me if I was a sociopath. I have never felt or exhibited irrational anger; I am one of the most forgiving and kind people in the world. Anti-social: Shit. I never met a stranger. What, exactly, is a sociopath?
I totally understand you not feeling comfortable about talking about an open law case. Not a problem. I don't take it personally. [Ed.: I am redacting a portion where she tries to guess what my ex- might have done that could have ended up killing me. She is very perceptive, so I am redacting that portion.]
Besides, I like your rants. It's fun to make people wrong. Especially when they are such pieces of work.
Poor Mini! Anytime animals or children get hurt or cry, it elicits this intense hormonal response in me. It's a maternal thing. I think. First, human fight/flight adrenaline--because hurt and danger. Then it being something/someone you care for. What hurts/scares them, hurts/scares you. I would have cried too, Kelly. [Ed.: She is referencing what I wrote about how a dog lunged and nipped Mini and he screamed so loud and I started crying, scared for him.]
I like that you had a date this week, especially with someone employed and ambitious. I like his Mormon story. And his friend's affair with the LOST woman. Makes for good stories. Was there any chemistry there? Any follow up dates planned? (Way better than Reidtard.)
Thanks for the clarification about FB. Mom says there's a blog option on MySpace and that's where she posts now b/c wordpress is hard for people to find. I guess it's getting good traffic. I posted some new ones last week you'd like.
I also received a request for an interview for the cable tv show, "I Almost Got Away With It" about fugitives. It's documentary style for the Discovery Channel. Ever see it? What do you think?
It's late. I hope you are well and your life is looking better for you. I think your life if neat.
-<3Sarah
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #77
I'm pasting in scans of his recent, relatively short letter. However, he always adds enclosures. I don't usually mention them, but today's are fairly noteworthy.
The first is about HENRIETTA LACKS. I have learned so much from writing to these prisoners. Particularly because most of them have genius level IQs. Prisoners can be servicey! Here's the article from USA Today about Henrietta Lacks.
The second noteworthy article is about how choking is perceived by the law in NY. I did not know this and it is worrisome both because it is not considered illegal to choke someone and because Swango, being a murderer and all, sent it.
The last noteworthy article is about Doctors Without Morals. It's more uh-oh funny than ha-ha funny and the irony is not lost on Swango who comments on how he realizes it is ironic he is sending this along.
And now onto the letter:
The first is about HENRIETTA LACKS. I have learned so much from writing to these prisoners. Particularly because most of them have genius level IQs. Prisoners can be servicey! Here's the article from USA Today about Henrietta Lacks.
The second noteworthy article is about how choking is perceived by the law in NY. I did not know this and it is worrisome both because it is not considered illegal to choke someone and because Swango, being a murderer and all, sent it.
The last noteworthy article is about Doctors Without Morals. It's more uh-oh funny than ha-ha funny and the irony is not lost on Swango who comments on how he realizes it is ironic he is sending this along.
And now onto the letter:
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The 48 Laws of Power
In John Hughes' (serial killer, not film director) interview, he quoted the 48 Laws of Power aka The Sociopath's Handbook. I had never heard of it so I looked it up:
48 Laws of Power
48 Laws of Power
