Dear KK,
"We covet what we see every day."
Before reminding you where the above quote comes from, consider it the classic explanation for Don Draper's reckless affair with the teacher Ms. Farrell, which even she realizes in not Don's usual M.O. [Be advised, Kelly: trying to give you the male point of view without (God forbid!!!) mentioning S-E-X: most men have a fatal weakness for attractive teachers of their children, especially young children. Several gay male friends have told me the same applies to gay elementary teachers. (See the Jennifer Aniston film where she falls in love with a gay school teacher!)]
More on tonight's "Mad Men" in a little while. Welcome to winter in the Rockies--and still early October. Had one of those 50-car pileups on an ice-coated I-25 just north of here yesterday. Closed for 3+ hours. And higher up in the elevation, major snowfall. A bit early, but not at all unusual. Knowing how much you love cold, dark, icy weather, I hope your Columbus Day weekend was a little more fall-like...
Much to get to, Kelly--from your most recent letter plus your earlier letters, plus tv and films. So with my "Kelly Addiction", let me get started:
Your Reid blog titled "ENSURE" was, I must say, most convincing, KK. You're right, no one buys "Ensure" let alone drinks it in public, who is under 75 years old! Let me see, the "episode" would probably end with a voiceover by Kristin Bell something like this: "Spotted at an Upper East Side Starbucks...If the look on her face is accurate, this will be "K's" last soiree with the once-eligible Reid. Not only is he still with "her" but what is that he's drinking? Probably good that "K" found out now... You know you love me/XOXO/Gossip Girl.
Once again mentioning the unusual number of celebrity deaths this past spring & summer: South Park's new fall opening did a brutally funny takeoff on this, with the soul of Michael Jackson preventing all the others from leaving Purgatory. David Carradine came off particularly badly-portrayed in black lingerie & fishnet stockings--with a noose around his neck.
Turning to your most recent letter... Begin where I left off: You are way too hard on yourself, but then, most of us are, especially when it comes to how we appear (or think we appear) in public. It is akin to listening to your own voice. I can assure you, Kelly, that as you go about your day, looking as you do in your photos, you are lusted after and thought about many times by many men. You are just fine, KK. I could tell you exactly what those men think about when they see you or meet you briefly, but that would cross your artificial line. Suffice to say that when one of these men turn into a relationship (non-Reid-like!) sexual chemistry & passion will not be a problem...
The middle paragraph of your letter regarding the Bush years was a perfect encapsulation of my feelings as well. And a majority of Americans. I am sure. I would add that as an ex-Marine, myself, and with a close relative recently out of the Marines---the incredible mismanagement and utterly needless thousands of dead soldiers & Marines in the Iraq War simply astounds me.
And now Obama has to deal with the colossal mess in Afghanistan--completely ignored by Bush & Rumsfeld for eight years. Despite my past, Kelly, the man I am today totally relates to each and every one of those "Names of the Dead" from Iraq & Afghanistan.
This is a topic I can "soapbox" on for quite a while. I will spare you that today.
***
[Ed.: the next section--which I am omitting--is about movies.]
The affairs consummated (Don) and unconsummated (Betty) are par for the course [in Mad Men]. Betty can't quite pull the trigger; Don't can't wait to pull the trigger (no pun intended!)
Final note: I hope no one has the image of Don & Ms. Farrell in a sedate missionary style sex act. With Don, Ms. Farrell will do thing she has never done with any other man; and I assure you, Don will insist on nothing less than total surrender & total access to every part of her body...
Hope to hear from you again very soon. Be well, be good and be safe. Thinking of you..don't get discouraged re the Slam!
Yours,
Michael
P.S. "We covet what we see everyday" is what Hannibal Lecter told Clarice. Starting to help her catch "Buffalo Bill" in Silence of the Lambs--both the book and movie.
The phrase is far more revealing than one realizes. Think about it...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #55
Hello,
I have a few letters here from you that I have not answered. I’m home, not feeling well (what do you know about Grape Seed Extract?), so now is a good opportunity to answer some of your questions and ask you some more. You know, because I KNOW you LOVE when I ask a billion questions. Ha!
First, I was wondering, how you get money in jail? You mentioned stamp shipments and pens…do you get a stipend? I know there are stores—commissaries—in jails, right? What are they like? How about food..you mentioned this before, albeit briefly. Please give me a run down of a full day’s meals and what exactly you were given to eat. I assume there may be ways you can eat non-delivered prison food, like buying chips at a commissary.
Can it be dangerous where you are? It’s a maximum security prison, right? So there must be some scary sorts there, no? Are there fights? Drugs? Bugs?
You asked what it is about True Crime shows—like First 48, 48 Hour Mystery, America’s Most Wanted---that I like. I find it fascinating when an ordinary seeming person kills someone else. The mystery of it. I’m not interested in gang members or drug crimes or murders out of robbery. I’m more interested in the bizarre murders. The ones that show no real reason why someone would do that. Like the Yale murder recently. The Essex House murder. The Craigslist murderer. All of these people were smart, worked at regular jobs, were educated… And YOU! You are a doctor! I guess it is that I mistakenly thought that criminals committed harsh crimes because they weren’t intelligent or educated enough. But these crime shows usually highlight someone who is very intelligent and educated. Look at you for example. You are super smart and well-read, have interests that are similar to most. Except for that ONE BIG THING. That’s what fascinates me.
Please understand I am fully against anything that breaks the law and think all those that do should be punished to the fullest extent. I’m not saying I LIKE these things. I actually hate the thought of loss of life. It repulses me. Yet, I want to understand why there is a compulsion, for some, to kill.
This is why I asked you what you felt when you killed someone. But you said you felt nothing. That there weren’t any real thoughts on it. But then the question begs to be asked: Why do it then? We tend to do things for a feeling of pleasure or a payoff of some sort. But it seems from your response there was no payoff for you…. Can you clarify?
In your very specific case, why do you think you did it? Do you think you had a mental illness? I think I asked before if you were evaluated by a psychiatrist and I believe you said you weren’t. You are also not medicated, so I assume they do not think you have an illness. But if there is no mental imbalance, then why?
You say that was then, not now and I get that you no longer have the desire to kill. (Let’s hope you don’t want to kill me after all these annoying questions and commentary…ha!) Ok then, if the compulsion is gone now, why was it there for all those years in the first place. Did you ever discuss this stuff with KK? I know from the book she had no idea what you were up to, but did you ever have deep talks with her where you let on you might not be exactly like everyone else? Again, I’m just fascinated with all of this. I mean no harm.
When you first got arrested—I think you were detained in an airport---what happened? What happened to all of your stuff? Did you have an apt? If so, what happens then? When you were first brought in for questioning, and then fully committed to prison, what do they tell you? Are there prison rules they go over? Was it hard to adapt to this strange new living space and life?
I often wonder how I’d do in jail. I am pretty wimpy so I assume I’d get beat up a lot. Although I’m pretty funny, so maybe I could entertain the others? Not sure how it works, but it all sounds overwhelming.
We keep coming back to your desire to talk more deeply about sex. Can you be more specific about what you want? If there is something you want to share, go ahead. I’ll let you know what I think about it when you write and send it.
As I mentioned I am involved in a court case (I am the plaintiff) and because of its high profile and very sensitive nature, I must be extremely careful about what I say/write. This is one of the primary reasons I no longer keep a public blog, write sex/dating columns, date very little, etc.
That article on miniature art should have been called: It’s a Small World. It thrilled me! What an amazing thing. What a weird and awesome talent this man has. What paper is this from?
I have never seen Gossip Girl.
I’m dying to see Paranormal Activity! I do not want to see it alone though so I will wait for one of two guy friends to take me. Probably some time next week. Hope it is still playing by then.
This school teacher Don Draper is with it way too clingy. She annoys me. I’d rather the ice princess, Betty. Such a great show! Curb Your Enthusiasm begins the Seinfeld reunion stuff next week!!!
I have never seen Silence of the Lambs. I thought it would be way too unnerving. Pls. tell me what it is about. I know the title character is a diabolical serial killer…..right? One might think it ironic that you quote from there…
Well, I think we are all caught up on your letters now.
I have a huge stack of magazines to read through now while laying on the couch with a little dog…
Be well,
KK
I have a few letters here from you that I have not answered. I’m home, not feeling well (what do you know about Grape Seed Extract?), so now is a good opportunity to answer some of your questions and ask you some more. You know, because I KNOW you LOVE when I ask a billion questions. Ha!
First, I was wondering, how you get money in jail? You mentioned stamp shipments and pens…do you get a stipend? I know there are stores—commissaries—in jails, right? What are they like? How about food..you mentioned this before, albeit briefly. Please give me a run down of a full day’s meals and what exactly you were given to eat. I assume there may be ways you can eat non-delivered prison food, like buying chips at a commissary.
Can it be dangerous where you are? It’s a maximum security prison, right? So there must be some scary sorts there, no? Are there fights? Drugs? Bugs?
You asked what it is about True Crime shows—like First 48, 48 Hour Mystery, America’s Most Wanted---that I like. I find it fascinating when an ordinary seeming person kills someone else. The mystery of it. I’m not interested in gang members or drug crimes or murders out of robbery. I’m more interested in the bizarre murders. The ones that show no real reason why someone would do that. Like the Yale murder recently. The Essex House murder. The Craigslist murderer. All of these people were smart, worked at regular jobs, were educated… And YOU! You are a doctor! I guess it is that I mistakenly thought that criminals committed harsh crimes because they weren’t intelligent or educated enough. But these crime shows usually highlight someone who is very intelligent and educated. Look at you for example. You are super smart and well-read, have interests that are similar to most. Except for that ONE BIG THING. That’s what fascinates me.
Please understand I am fully against anything that breaks the law and think all those that do should be punished to the fullest extent. I’m not saying I LIKE these things. I actually hate the thought of loss of life. It repulses me. Yet, I want to understand why there is a compulsion, for some, to kill.
This is why I asked you what you felt when you killed someone. But you said you felt nothing. That there weren’t any real thoughts on it. But then the question begs to be asked: Why do it then? We tend to do things for a feeling of pleasure or a payoff of some sort. But it seems from your response there was no payoff for you…. Can you clarify?
In your very specific case, why do you think you did it? Do you think you had a mental illness? I think I asked before if you were evaluated by a psychiatrist and I believe you said you weren’t. You are also not medicated, so I assume they do not think you have an illness. But if there is no mental imbalance, then why?
You say that was then, not now and I get that you no longer have the desire to kill. (Let’s hope you don’t want to kill me after all these annoying questions and commentary…ha!) Ok then, if the compulsion is gone now, why was it there for all those years in the first place. Did you ever discuss this stuff with KK? I know from the book she had no idea what you were up to, but did you ever have deep talks with her where you let on you might not be exactly like everyone else? Again, I’m just fascinated with all of this. I mean no harm.
When you first got arrested—I think you were detained in an airport---what happened? What happened to all of your stuff? Did you have an apt? If so, what happens then? When you were first brought in for questioning, and then fully committed to prison, what do they tell you? Are there prison rules they go over? Was it hard to adapt to this strange new living space and life?
I often wonder how I’d do in jail. I am pretty wimpy so I assume I’d get beat up a lot. Although I’m pretty funny, so maybe I could entertain the others? Not sure how it works, but it all sounds overwhelming.
We keep coming back to your desire to talk more deeply about sex. Can you be more specific about what you want? If there is something you want to share, go ahead. I’ll let you know what I think about it when you write and send it.
As I mentioned I am involved in a court case (I am the plaintiff) and because of its high profile and very sensitive nature, I must be extremely careful about what I say/write. This is one of the primary reasons I no longer keep a public blog, write sex/dating columns, date very little, etc.
That article on miniature art should have been called: It’s a Small World. It thrilled me! What an amazing thing. What a weird and awesome talent this man has. What paper is this from?
I have never seen Gossip Girl.
I’m dying to see Paranormal Activity! I do not want to see it alone though so I will wait for one of two guy friends to take me. Probably some time next week. Hope it is still playing by then.
This school teacher Don Draper is with it way too clingy. She annoys me. I’d rather the ice princess, Betty. Such a great show! Curb Your Enthusiasm begins the Seinfeld reunion stuff next week!!!
I have never seen Silence of the Lambs. I thought it would be way too unnerving. Pls. tell me what it is about. I know the title character is a diabolical serial killer…..right? One might think it ironic that you quote from there…
Well, I think we are all caught up on your letters now.
I have a huge stack of magazines to read through now while laying on the couch with a little dog…
Be well,
KK
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #54
Ed: This is an interesting letter because of the portion where he answers the question of what it felt like to kill someone.
Dear KK---
Let me get right to "page 2" of your letter---still so much to talk about.
[Ed.: I'm omitting his writing about Kristen Chenoweth in Wicked and Glee and also omitting Breaking Bad commentary. The next portion is also omitted here; it discusses Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock and SNL]
What is it about these True Crime shows you watch that fascinates you so much? I find that to be a most interesting side of you, KK...
[Here is where he answers the question, "How does it feel to kill someone? What goes through your mind as you are doing so?"]
The short answer to your question is, "nothing at all." That's why it went on for so long. No deep thoughts, or confusion, or remorse or anything else. Let me think about what else I can say, and get back to you.... Again, that was then, not now...
[Ed.: I'm omitting the next section that discusses TV shows.]
RE your former high schoolmates, and your present-day comparisons in appearance...Kelly you ARE a supermodel! The one-eyed wolverine/smart, sassy and so sexy...Please don't think I say this because I've been in here for a while. You need to understand that those judgments and opinions and feelings and sensations do not diminish in any way... Again you do not wish to discuss (apparently) anything even remotely sexual or sensual, even in a clinical or historical sense, so it is difficult for me to make this point to you clearly: What each of us has done, has experienced--sexually, emotionally and lovingly (maybe!)---determines so much about who we are now and why we are the way we are. Whether one lives in New York City or Atlanta, GA or Florence, CO.
So my opinions concerning you are honest, and would be the same whether I was here or anywhere. If you care to delve much deeper, let me know. I thin you would find such conversations extremely interesting and satisfying. Your call, KK.
[Ed. I'm redacting more tv notes.]
Will resume this letter with "Part 3" later this evening. You take care, hot supermodel, one-eyed wolverine girl. Thinking about you, and hope to finish your letter before receiving your next one. Just to repeat what I said on page 4--let me know if you want to go a bit deeper/actually a lot deeper. I would rather know one person intimately than 20 people superficially...
Take care, Kelly
Yours,
Michael.
P.S. I see Drew Barrymore is hosting SNL this weekend. Hopefully she'll inject some life into the season.
Dear KK---
Let me get right to "page 2" of your letter---still so much to talk about.
[Ed.: I'm omitting his writing about Kristen Chenoweth in Wicked and Glee and also omitting Breaking Bad commentary. The next portion is also omitted here; it discusses Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock and SNL]
What is it about these True Crime shows you watch that fascinates you so much? I find that to be a most interesting side of you, KK...
[Here is where he answers the question, "How does it feel to kill someone? What goes through your mind as you are doing so?"]
The short answer to your question is, "nothing at all." That's why it went on for so long. No deep thoughts, or confusion, or remorse or anything else. Let me think about what else I can say, and get back to you.... Again, that was then, not now...
[Ed.: I'm omitting the next section that discusses TV shows.]
RE your former high schoolmates, and your present-day comparisons in appearance...Kelly you ARE a supermodel! The one-eyed wolverine/smart, sassy and so sexy...Please don't think I say this because I've been in here for a while. You need to understand that those judgments and opinions and feelings and sensations do not diminish in any way... Again you do not wish to discuss (apparently) anything even remotely sexual or sensual, even in a clinical or historical sense, so it is difficult for me to make this point to you clearly: What each of us has done, has experienced--sexually, emotionally and lovingly (maybe!)---determines so much about who we are now and why we are the way we are. Whether one lives in New York City or Atlanta, GA or Florence, CO.
So my opinions concerning you are honest, and would be the same whether I was here or anywhere. If you care to delve much deeper, let me know. I thin you would find such conversations extremely interesting and satisfying. Your call, KK.
[Ed. I'm redacting more tv notes.]
Will resume this letter with "Part 3" later this evening. You take care, hot supermodel, one-eyed wolverine girl. Thinking about you, and hope to finish your letter before receiving your next one. Just to repeat what I said on page 4--let me know if you want to go a bit deeper/actually a lot deeper. I would rather know one person intimately than 20 people superficially...
Take care, Kelly
Yours,
Michael.
P.S. I see Drew Barrymore is hosting SNL this weekend. Hopefully she'll inject some life into the season.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #17
Dear Kelly,
I was glad to hear from you today. Not specifically because it was you. Generally, when I get a letter from you, I think, "Good, let's see what funny thing Kelly has for me today." There is a great deal of humor, both dark and light about your life.
Today, I was happy bcause there's finally someone who understands me when I say I am depressed and doesn't feel sorry for me, or worry about me, or judge me. It's like you get it, and you understand that it sucks, because its there for you too.
Most of the people in my life are really well put together. These are people who are successful at one thing or another. Who get the blues from time to time, but haven't had to be medicated or see a shrink long enough to know her seven cats by name.
In fact, I feel embarassed to admit to them that I am depressed. I quickly explain without serious elaboration, and gloss over it. I'm nto sure if this is to avoid probing or to make them feel better about my personal issues.
I want to hug you.
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at the GrandSlam. I, too, know what it's like to be an overachiever and then fail miserably. It's a familiar feeling. I feel like I'm trying to fool people into believing I'm great, but can't fool everyone. But that's not true. I am great, and there are just some people who don't recognize my greatness.
As is such for you.
Some people, we will not connect with, and they are blind to our greatness. And sometimes, we do suck.
I read a quote yesterday in an article by Martha Beck (in Oprah Magazine)"The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the successful people fail more."
When you rock like you do, you will have to endure failures, just by the fact that you can't be perfect. And because you're an overachiever and successful, your # of attempts will be high, ergo, so will your # of failures.
In other words: Shit happens.
I get that it did not feel good to be judged harshly, to feel ike an outsider, and like raw talent isn't' enough. And that only women who are size 0 and airbrushed look good on camera. It's a travesty. And a sick truth.
You'd probably never have enough money to own a NYC apt., you're right. And does that deeply concern you? Will you be an outcast in the apartment owning world? Is it a top ten on your MUST DO BEFORE I DIE?
Just curious.
I appreciate your compassion about my situation and how it affects my sanity. It got worse this week. I ahve been told I should have no expectation of being released to open population 20 December. They can use the excuse that I am a high escape risk to keep me in segregation beyond my one-year of punishment. I was told I'd be in segregation "a while" and get out "someday." My outlook on life struggles to stay positive. It got so bad that I had to ask for help and got put on an antidepressant. I wonder if it will be enough. I feel ike it's been getting better this past week but then yesterday and today have been back to awful.
I am an expert at hating myself for all of my failures. I lay down to sleep and my mind runs through my fuck ups from all the way back to my childhood, as evidence of what a piece of shit I am. I hate it. I don't want to think over these things, but they come anyway. And then they manifest in my dreams.
No matter how good I am or how I succeed, my mistakes will always outshine my achievements.
Being alone is nice, but after a while you start to crave interaction, physical touch, food, a long, hot shower, a cup of coffee, a Sunday afternoon football game, or someone to make you laugh. Roommates can suck, but in general, they aren't bad. Only about 20% of the population are loathsome to live with.
Sure, there are "violent and scary" women here, but they usually are only violent with their girlfriends or during an argument over dumb shit I would never even dignify by speaking on. There are bullies, but they prey on the weaker women, and although I am generous, kind, and mild mannered, I have learned how to assert myself. I can be easier to manipulate than to be bullied. I get ramped up over someone trying to dominate me, so it doesn't get attempted often.
Most roommates are just annoying.
My wife got 7 years for helping me escape. With good behavior, she can be out in 3 1/2; if she enrolls in a vocational program, out in 2/123. (She's done 14 mos already). She will not be able to visit me when she gets out.
I will give you some stories about my family being from Zimbabwe in another letter. It's upbeat and I don't feel so happy today. But, yeah, you read it right. Missionary work.
Did you like Reid's novel? I am surprised you haven't dumped him yet with all his shortcomings. I crack up when you say shit like his g/f looks like a tranny. She must have one hell of a personality or superior sex skills. Perhaps she is a tranny, and Reid has a think for them. Maybe he's partly gay and she serves another function for him (he imagines she's a man during sex.)
I've started lots of crafty projects to channel my sadness. I was making these little miniature fish tanks of various objects, but those were taken from me. Safetly and security problem. Now I collage season and holiday themes on 8 1/2 X 11 paper and put them on my walls. The guards like them, but I am sure that someone will come along and take them from me, too. Just when I find a little joy, they end up taking it. There's not much joy left to take.
Eventually, I feel ike I'll be a withered up person inside, like a dried up pea. No joy. No love. Sad. That's what this room is doing to me.
The guard is yelling at us to turn out our lights. It's late. I hope you are well.
Sarah
Letters from the Inside, Christopher Porco, #3
Hi Kelly,
It is Sunday night, and I'm watching my Yankees hopefully clinch the division series tonight. The Twins are leading right now 1-0, butI have faith. How are you doing? How did the Story Slam go? It sounds like a lot of fun. Do you read the piece or recite it from memory? I really enjoyed it, a lot of the wit might be hard to translate to an audience if you dind't have a script, I think, but I guess if you memorize it well, it could be just as good or better. I have been to poetry readings and things of that nature, a lot of the time they come off as pretentious I think. I love the creativity and comedic possiblities of the story slam thing.
My cell is located near the door of the yard, which is nice in the Summer, because of the breeze, but bad tonight, it is like 25 degrees right now.. Currently, the door is wide open, because they are searching people as they come in. Apparently a copy fround a blood trail outside, and they are checking people for wounds. Lovely, I know. It isnt' uncommon for someone to get cut or bloody their hands fighting, and not wanting to get caught, trying to slip inside unnoticed. A couple months ago this guy I am somewhat friendly with stitched himself closed with dental floss after some kind of altercation outside. The thinking is that if you go to the hospital, you are going ot get moved, and won't get a chance to get the guy who cut you back. Not exactly the mentality I grew up with in the suburbs.
I love the fact that you have a dog. I think you can tell a lot about a person by if and what kind of pet they have. And I know it must be hard in the City to have a dog. What kind of place do you live in? I have always liked visiting the city, but dn't know how I would like living there. I suppose after my most recent accomodations, I could probably handle most situations though. My dog, Barrister, died last Summer, he was 14. He was our second Yellow Lab, and the second one named Barrister. Weird, I know. There are a lot of things to miss here, but for me one of the worst is the type of companionship you get from dogs. There is an absence of that unbridled warmth they bring. Ok, that sounded bizarre. I swear I'm not a crazy dog guy or anthing.
I didn't know you could access my court documents online. How did you get to them? There is a lot not included in them as well. Mostly as a result oof us not doing our job at trial. I may have mentioned the overconfident attitude that contributed to that. As to who I think did this [the murder] that's the million dollar question. If I had to guess, it would be someone connected to the priest sex abuse stuff that has been going on in the Albany area for several years now. I didn't learn this until after my trial, but my father was mentioned multiple times along with the judge he worked for in very threatening letters sent from various sex abuse victims. They seem to think there is some kind of Catholic conspiracy in the Albany legal system. (Many of the judges/lawyers are Catholic.) The lawyer who represents many of them contacted my lawyers and me before trial saying he had information about my case, but my lawyers basically ignored it. I truly do not know though. We have a fingerprint belonging to one of them, and DNA that matches two. And a description of cars that very well could have been the cars used in the getaway. One of the main hurdles I fce now is the lack of investigation that took place, both by us, and the police, in the beginning. And believe me, it is hard to do from a prison cell. I catually just sent a letter to Dr. Baden, the former M.E. of NYC, to ask him to take a look at the forensic pathology aspects of the case. Hopefully he will be willing to take a look, because I thin it is very likely the attack at my house took place around 11 or 12 on Sunday night, a time I could not have been anywhere near Albany. There are still a lot of loose ends out there. The key to all of this ti getting reversal though, so hope for that.
I mostly watch sports on TV, but always catch Desperate Housewives, and I am liking Glee on Fox. And I am embarrassed to admit I watch Gossip Girl too. Ha. You can only read so much, it is nice to have a tv in the cell with you.
Before all this, I was sort of an economics major in college. I say sort of because I didn't do a whole lot of schoolwork. I was on the swim team and in ROTC and lived in a Fraternity, which was great for my social life, but not so great for my grades. I've always wanted to be an attorney though, that hasn't changed. Right now I feel like I am just treading water, waiting around in limbo. It is a disconcerting feeling. So I am just racking up credit, I don't care so much what my undergrad degree is in, because of the law school aspiration. That requires a felony-free criminal record, which I don't have at the moment. Oh, my sentence is looong; 25 years plus 25to life. With good time, I would be eligible for parole after 46 years or so. Or as they say in here, my parole officer hasn't been born yet. I guess for sanity's sake, I try not to think or focus on that. I still believe in the system despite my current predicament. Hope is common here, but rarely bears fruit.
I would like to write about everything that has gone on in my life, I even think I could be good at it. There are legal considerations, I have to assume that anything on paper in my cell isn't going to be private. Probably the biggest reason why I haven't though is simpler, pure laziness. I just feel like I have so much to say, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel like I would just vomit out a bunch of stuff on paper that wouldn't be coherent at al. I know that is what first drafts are, but I don't know if I am even up to that point. I need to take some writing classes...
They just caught a guy right here with his knuckles all torn up, I guess he was fighting someone. He wiil probably end up getting sent to the box for a couple months. I have never been, but I imagine it isn't a pleasant experience... I am including a poorly lit, fuzzy polaroid so you can get an idea of what I look like after 3 years in prison. I got the tattoo here, I wanted a memento from prison, if I ever manage to get out. I learned how to make a tattoo gun out of a cassette motor and guitar string, and had the guy use that so I knew it wasn't being shared. I am terrified of getting some nasty disease... That said, I am going to cook some dinner and relax, so I will end for now. I hope you are well and staying warm. Say hi to mini, and take care of yourself. I will write again before too long.
Bye Bye,
Chris
***
It is Sunday night, and I'm watching my Yankees hopefully clinch the division series tonight. The Twins are leading right now 1-0, butI have faith. How are you doing? How did the Story Slam go? It sounds like a lot of fun. Do you read the piece or recite it from memory? I really enjoyed it, a lot of the wit might be hard to translate to an audience if you dind't have a script, I think, but I guess if you memorize it well, it could be just as good or better. I have been to poetry readings and things of that nature, a lot of the time they come off as pretentious I think. I love the creativity and comedic possiblities of the story slam thing.
My cell is located near the door of the yard, which is nice in the Summer, because of the breeze, but bad tonight, it is like 25 degrees right now.. Currently, the door is wide open, because they are searching people as they come in. Apparently a copy fround a blood trail outside, and they are checking people for wounds. Lovely, I know. It isnt' uncommon for someone to get cut or bloody their hands fighting, and not wanting to get caught, trying to slip inside unnoticed. A couple months ago this guy I am somewhat friendly with stitched himself closed with dental floss after some kind of altercation outside. The thinking is that if you go to the hospital, you are going ot get moved, and won't get a chance to get the guy who cut you back. Not exactly the mentality I grew up with in the suburbs.
I love the fact that you have a dog. I think you can tell a lot about a person by if and what kind of pet they have. And I know it must be hard in the City to have a dog. What kind of place do you live in? I have always liked visiting the city, but dn't know how I would like living there. I suppose after my most recent accomodations, I could probably handle most situations though. My dog, Barrister, died last Summer, he was 14. He was our second Yellow Lab, and the second one named Barrister. Weird, I know. There are a lot of things to miss here, but for me one of the worst is the type of companionship you get from dogs. There is an absence of that unbridled warmth they bring. Ok, that sounded bizarre. I swear I'm not a crazy dog guy or anthing.
I didn't know you could access my court documents online. How did you get to them? There is a lot not included in them as well. Mostly as a result oof us not doing our job at trial. I may have mentioned the overconfident attitude that contributed to that. As to who I think did this [the murder] that's the million dollar question. If I had to guess, it would be someone connected to the priest sex abuse stuff that has been going on in the Albany area for several years now. I didn't learn this until after my trial, but my father was mentioned multiple times along with the judge he worked for in very threatening letters sent from various sex abuse victims. They seem to think there is some kind of Catholic conspiracy in the Albany legal system. (Many of the judges/lawyers are Catholic.) The lawyer who represents many of them contacted my lawyers and me before trial saying he had information about my case, but my lawyers basically ignored it. I truly do not know though. We have a fingerprint belonging to one of them, and DNA that matches two. And a description of cars that very well could have been the cars used in the getaway. One of the main hurdles I fce now is the lack of investigation that took place, both by us, and the police, in the beginning. And believe me, it is hard to do from a prison cell. I catually just sent a letter to Dr. Baden, the former M.E. of NYC, to ask him to take a look at the forensic pathology aspects of the case. Hopefully he will be willing to take a look, because I thin it is very likely the attack at my house took place around 11 or 12 on Sunday night, a time I could not have been anywhere near Albany. There are still a lot of loose ends out there. The key to all of this ti getting reversal though, so hope for that.
I mostly watch sports on TV, but always catch Desperate Housewives, and I am liking Glee on Fox. And I am embarrassed to admit I watch Gossip Girl too. Ha. You can only read so much, it is nice to have a tv in the cell with you.
Before all this, I was sort of an economics major in college. I say sort of because I didn't do a whole lot of schoolwork. I was on the swim team and in ROTC and lived in a Fraternity, which was great for my social life, but not so great for my grades. I've always wanted to be an attorney though, that hasn't changed. Right now I feel like I am just treading water, waiting around in limbo. It is a disconcerting feeling. So I am just racking up credit, I don't care so much what my undergrad degree is in, because of the law school aspiration. That requires a felony-free criminal record, which I don't have at the moment. Oh, my sentence is looong; 25 years plus 25to life. With good time, I would be eligible for parole after 46 years or so. Or as they say in here, my parole officer hasn't been born yet. I guess for sanity's sake, I try not to think or focus on that. I still believe in the system despite my current predicament. Hope is common here, but rarely bears fruit.
I would like to write about everything that has gone on in my life, I even think I could be good at it. There are legal considerations, I have to assume that anything on paper in my cell isn't going to be private. Probably the biggest reason why I haven't though is simpler, pure laziness. I just feel like I have so much to say, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel like I would just vomit out a bunch of stuff on paper that wouldn't be coherent at al. I know that is what first drafts are, but I don't know if I am even up to that point. I need to take some writing classes...
They just caught a guy right here with his knuckles all torn up, I guess he was fighting someone. He wiil probably end up getting sent to the box for a couple months. I have never been, but I imagine it isn't a pleasant experience... I am including a poorly lit, fuzzy polaroid so you can get an idea of what I look like after 3 years in prison. I got the tattoo here, I wanted a memento from prison, if I ever manage to get out. I learned how to make a tattoo gun out of a cassette motor and guitar string, and had the guy use that so I knew it wasn't being shared. I am terrified of getting some nasty disease... That said, I am going to cook some dinner and relax, so I will end for now. I hope you are well and staying warm. Say hi to mini, and take care of yourself. I will write again before too long.
Bye Bye,
Chris
***
Saturday, October 10, 2009
An Education: A Study in Sociopathy
I went to see An Education. I was so looking forward to it. It's a tale of a sociopathic charmer and his seduction of a 16 year old honor student in 1960s UK.
I related to it because I, too, had my first romance with a 32 year old when I was 16. He wasn't necessarily completely sociopathic, although he was a drug addict who did his share of lying to both me and his live-in girlfriend (who later became his wife, who then even later became his ex-wife). However, he was always respectful of my wants, and I did nothing beyond kissing him for the 12 years I knew him.
The minute Sarsgaard (sp?) picks up Jenny at the bus stop I KNEW he was a sociopath. My movie companion didn't, sticking to the naive belief that they'd up end happily ever after, even after it comes to light he is a thief and liar.
I won't spoil the end, but it is a great little movie. Because it is based on the actual memoir of Lynn Barber, it rings very true.
It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite movies--in my top five--called Smooth Talk. It came out in 1985 and starred Laura Dern and Treat Williams. It is based on a Joyce Carol Oates story, that I believe is called "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" Such a subtle and beautiful--even though the subject matter is anything but--film. If you can get your hands on a copy, watch it as a companion piece to An Education.
Young women being seduced by older men is not a new theme by any means. I just wasn't sure if this would be more of a Lolita tale or a Smooth Talk one. Clearly it is the latter, but handled exceptionally well and with a relatively happy and uplifting ending.
These two movies should be mandatory watching for teenage girls and could easily be used as an entertaining learning tool. As highlighted in An Education, even the smartest of girls can be waylaid easily by a cunning man with an equally intense pathology.
I related to it because I, too, had my first romance with a 32 year old when I was 16. He wasn't necessarily completely sociopathic, although he was a drug addict who did his share of lying to both me and his live-in girlfriend (who later became his wife, who then even later became his ex-wife). However, he was always respectful of my wants, and I did nothing beyond kissing him for the 12 years I knew him.
The minute Sarsgaard (sp?) picks up Jenny at the bus stop I KNEW he was a sociopath. My movie companion didn't, sticking to the naive belief that they'd up end happily ever after, even after it comes to light he is a thief and liar.
I won't spoil the end, but it is a great little movie. Because it is based on the actual memoir of Lynn Barber, it rings very true.
It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite movies--in my top five--called Smooth Talk. It came out in 1985 and starred Laura Dern and Treat Williams. It is based on a Joyce Carol Oates story, that I believe is called "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" Such a subtle and beautiful--even though the subject matter is anything but--film. If you can get your hands on a copy, watch it as a companion piece to An Education.
Young women being seduced by older men is not a new theme by any means. I just wasn't sure if this would be more of a Lolita tale or a Smooth Talk one. Clearly it is the latter, but handled exceptionally well and with a relatively happy and uplifting ending.
These two movies should be mandatory watching for teenage girls and could easily be used as an entertaining learning tool. As highlighted in An Education, even the smartest of girls can be waylaid easily by a cunning man with an equally intense pathology.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #16
Kelly,
Just finished working through an architectural magazine--Habitus--Not my thing--too fancy. I like middle class homes the best. Like in the Midwest, homes that range from $90,000-$350,000--that's my speed. I think these ultra-rich, million dollar plus homes are a waste of resources. Even when they are made with landscaping, ponds, etc., it's still a waste. Anyone who can afford to spent 1.5 m of 4 m on a house can just as well spend $750,000 or 2m and use the other half to help make the world a better place.
Wastefulness bothers me.
My sister is the materialistic one in the family. She'd love that stuff. I can't justify or even feel good in my ind, owning a home with 5 bedrooms when I have no children and a small extended family. Seems ridiculous, like owning four cars for two people.
I like the handmade paper you sent. I once made paper using a sieve and pulus and added flower petals for design. Pretty.
Not been feeling happy. It's so hard to get out of a funk one I'm in one. I think being captured in this room is getting to me. Nine months in this cell 23 hours a day. Makes me want to bang my head and gnash my teeth.
Or sleep 16 hours out of the day.
I like the Sci Am article on depression. It makes sense, but in my case, I've gotten depressed, solved my issues at hand, and now have no energy or motivation to actually implement them. I hate this.
You speaking on technology, sounds like me when it came to new contraptions while I was out. What I figured out, though, was that all the TV/Cable/DVD connectors are color coded, so it's easy to plug one into the other. Red, yellow, white. Piece of cake. And that wireless router? Get help. Setting up the network is easy--but only after someone shows you the first time, which of course, it only takes one time. Anyway, I understand your technology dilemma, though I had a much better excuse for being backwards about it. :-)
Good luck!
My friend has a BlackBerry Bold and loves it! She can get internet, email, texts, radio stations, pictures, videos, and reception even if she were standing in the middle of the Gobi desert. She seems to love it, so I guess it's worth the investment for one. Better than a flat screen for a room you never watch tv in. Silly.
Only you can get a billion % off discount on slim fit leather pants because you are a 4. With the obesity rate so high and bikini season over with, the world is flooded with sizes 8-14. True story. But KUDOS to you, cuz that shit rocks. I'm happy @ size 10-12. Looking for to getting back to it. I enjoyed gaining weight out there. Food is comforting. YUM!
That sucks that your insurance doesn't cover acupuncture. My stepmom out in Seattle has coverage for acupuncture, massages and other alternative medicine. Can't you swithch companies w/o your premium going up?
I am scheduled to be released from solitary, 20 December. I will be moved to a dorm setting, where I will have a roommate and we will not be locked in our cells. I will be given a job and the opportunity to engage in programs or outdoor recreation activies with other offenders, like volleyball, jogging, etc. I will be able to use the phone when I want, shower freely, order food from commissary and most important, be able to hug my mother at visits. I am very much looking forward to it.
They don't really parole in Indiana. Parole is not an early release thing, it's a babysitting mechanism after being released on your regular outdate.
My wife is at Rockville Correctional Facility. She is the woman who helped me escape. I am not allowed to write to her nor am I able to even write freely about her. The DOC censors my letters. It's infuriating.
Congrats on placing 2nd at another story slam!!! I don't know your pigeon story, so I look forward to hearing that one along with how you place in the Grand Slam. Doesn't it feel good to know you are talented at stuff?
Never been vacationing to any place exotic or real special. My family is from Zimbabwe, though, so I've hear many neat stories, seen a thousand photos, and slifes of the bush. They say Africa gets in your blood. Romances you. Makes you hate it and love it so much, you never want to leave.
How long will it take for you to wrap up your civil case? And wouldn't you want to do jury duty at least once? It seems to me that you'd be an impartial member, for sure. So many people are judgemental these days and commit heinous acts of their own, by over convicting people.
Repressed anger manifests its ugly head.
How'd memoir writing class go? You keep so busy with neat stuff to do. Life is good, huh?
I can't believe you have written Reid off for drinking Ensure. Maybe he has Crohn's disease!! Although, he's still a creep, since I am convinced that his g/f doesn't know about you, or the extent of what he'd like to be doing with you.
I appreciated your 11 Sept stories. I was in jail at the time, having been there about one year. I remember the breaking news coverage and once the towers fell, they cut of our tvs and so there we all were, making up theories. Most of us agreed we were under attack and it would start WWIII. We plotted that if the enemy hit our cities, we would likely be unguarded and leave. We had grandiose schemes.
It is late. My head throbs. Time to lay down. I hope you are well.
Life is good.
Sarah
Just finished working through an architectural magazine--Habitus--Not my thing--too fancy. I like middle class homes the best. Like in the Midwest, homes that range from $90,000-$350,000--that's my speed. I think these ultra-rich, million dollar plus homes are a waste of resources. Even when they are made with landscaping, ponds, etc., it's still a waste. Anyone who can afford to spent 1.5 m of 4 m on a house can just as well spend $750,000 or 2m and use the other half to help make the world a better place.
Wastefulness bothers me.
My sister is the materialistic one in the family. She'd love that stuff. I can't justify or even feel good in my ind, owning a home with 5 bedrooms when I have no children and a small extended family. Seems ridiculous, like owning four cars for two people.
I like the handmade paper you sent. I once made paper using a sieve and pulus and added flower petals for design. Pretty.
Not been feeling happy. It's so hard to get out of a funk one I'm in one. I think being captured in this room is getting to me. Nine months in this cell 23 hours a day. Makes me want to bang my head and gnash my teeth.
Or sleep 16 hours out of the day.
I like the Sci Am article on depression. It makes sense, but in my case, I've gotten depressed, solved my issues at hand, and now have no energy or motivation to actually implement them. I hate this.
You speaking on technology, sounds like me when it came to new contraptions while I was out. What I figured out, though, was that all the TV/Cable/DVD connectors are color coded, so it's easy to plug one into the other. Red, yellow, white. Piece of cake. And that wireless router? Get help. Setting up the network is easy--but only after someone shows you the first time, which of course, it only takes one time. Anyway, I understand your technology dilemma, though I had a much better excuse for being backwards about it. :-)
Good luck!
My friend has a BlackBerry Bold and loves it! She can get internet, email, texts, radio stations, pictures, videos, and reception even if she were standing in the middle of the Gobi desert. She seems to love it, so I guess it's worth the investment for one. Better than a flat screen for a room you never watch tv in. Silly.
Only you can get a billion % off discount on slim fit leather pants because you are a 4. With the obesity rate so high and bikini season over with, the world is flooded with sizes 8-14. True story. But KUDOS to you, cuz that shit rocks. I'm happy @ size 10-12. Looking for to getting back to it. I enjoyed gaining weight out there. Food is comforting. YUM!
That sucks that your insurance doesn't cover acupuncture. My stepmom out in Seattle has coverage for acupuncture, massages and other alternative medicine. Can't you swithch companies w/o your premium going up?
I am scheduled to be released from solitary, 20 December. I will be moved to a dorm setting, where I will have a roommate and we will not be locked in our cells. I will be given a job and the opportunity to engage in programs or outdoor recreation activies with other offenders, like volleyball, jogging, etc. I will be able to use the phone when I want, shower freely, order food from commissary and most important, be able to hug my mother at visits. I am very much looking forward to it.
They don't really parole in Indiana. Parole is not an early release thing, it's a babysitting mechanism after being released on your regular outdate.
My wife is at Rockville Correctional Facility. She is the woman who helped me escape. I am not allowed to write to her nor am I able to even write freely about her. The DOC censors my letters. It's infuriating.
Congrats on placing 2nd at another story slam!!! I don't know your pigeon story, so I look forward to hearing that one along with how you place in the Grand Slam. Doesn't it feel good to know you are talented at stuff?
Never been vacationing to any place exotic or real special. My family is from Zimbabwe, though, so I've hear many neat stories, seen a thousand photos, and slifes of the bush. They say Africa gets in your blood. Romances you. Makes you hate it and love it so much, you never want to leave.
How long will it take for you to wrap up your civil case? And wouldn't you want to do jury duty at least once? It seems to me that you'd be an impartial member, for sure. So many people are judgemental these days and commit heinous acts of their own, by over convicting people.
Repressed anger manifests its ugly head.
How'd memoir writing class go? You keep so busy with neat stuff to do. Life is good, huh?
I can't believe you have written Reid off for drinking Ensure. Maybe he has Crohn's disease!! Although, he's still a creep, since I am convinced that his g/f doesn't know about you, or the extent of what he'd like to be doing with you.
I appreciated your 11 Sept stories. I was in jail at the time, having been there about one year. I remember the breaking news coverage and once the towers fell, they cut of our tvs and so there we all were, making up theories. Most of us agreed we were under attack and it would start WWIII. We plotted that if the enemy hit our cities, we would likely be unguarded and leave. We had grandiose schemes.
It is late. My head throbs. Time to lay down. I hope you are well.
Life is good.
Sarah
