Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #3

Dear Kelly,

Howdy from the [unreadable.] Thank you for your rather complicated letter, which I received on the 12th. I should apologize for the delay in my response. I normally attempt to stay on top of my correspondence, but the Gods on top of Mt. Huntsville sent me down to the hospital for 2 weeks. I returned last night sans operation or any explanation for the little field trip. It was probably for the best, as I think it benefited me to have a few days to think about how to respond to your letter. I hope you will understand that I am not being condescending when I say that most people who write to me have shallow motives. I generally answer with inane chatter, if I answer at all. you present me with a whole different set of motivations, and inevitably expectations. On one hand, this pleases me, because I am seriously lacking in intelligent conversation. You seem to be a fascinating individual, and I do not use such words/adjectives lightly. The flip side of all of this is that you could do a colossal amount of fucking damage to my goals, which may or may not have something to do with saving my sorry hide. Humans have a nasty tendency to desire explanations which flow from A to Z almost instantly. More often however, elucidation comes via process--and that is what [unreadable] is about. It's never about where I am, but about where I was, and where I am going. My worry is that you are smart enough to sense the dislocation, and want more than I am willing to hand out. I guess the best place to start in your quest for "why" should be an easy one for most to comprehend, though most seem to have missed the bus entirely: don't' believe a word of the material reported in the media. When you discount the rosy, suburban paradise illusion paraded about by the media, it starts to make more sense. We are all a product of our environments. If there seems to be a disconnect between what is "known" about someone's past and their present behavior, one must logically assume that the data or the past is faulty. for fame or shame, I am exactly what I was built to be.

Enough of that for now. In your letter you mentioned that is was "hard to write about this because I'm scared I will offend you." Please Kelly, don't fret about this. My skin may just be a tad thicker than I have indicated online. I very much doubt you yet possess the data necessary to offend me. That is a two-way street, though, so know that if you open a door, I may step through it myself. I have a low tolerance for bullshit, intentional or otherwise.

On that note, an example: You say you are "neutral completely and offer no feelings about your crime or punishment." Really? NO feelings whatsoever? No deep, dark sentiments of "you reap what you sow", or casual revulsion about the fact that a few years from now, I will not be able to write you back, because I will be in the ground? I am fine with you sliding either direction on the scale, but I will not accept a middle ground. You have an opinion--if you did not, you would be something less than human and I've no desire to waste my words on plastic fake-men. Blast me if you want/need to--I'm fine with that. To prove it--I will permit you to copy/paste anything from these letters in your blog, with the hope that you will at least try to explain the content of the highlighted comments. What I mean by all of this, Kelly, is: be human to me. Friend, foe, whatever, but don't be neutral. All my life I've known indifferent people, and I am soul-sick with grey humanity. I secretly relish my hate mail, because at least these people care about something, even if their logic is cretinous beyond belief. In short; editorialize all you want..

By the way, I loved the story of what you did after being fired. Absolutely loved it. In the patois of my world, we would say you have heart. A giant middle finger aimed at fate and the status quo. I've always found it curious how willing most people are to be the victims of history, rather than the agents of it. Some deep sub-conscious understanding of the purposelessness of life? Whatever, you made lemonade out of lemons, which is noble in my context.

You seem to have a sort of prevailing theme in your letter about writing to understand why someone would engage in evil acts. Such reasons are as varied as humanity, Kelly. If you are asking in general terms, this is one of the great questions theology and philosophy have banded about for millenia. I'm afraid I no longer look to the heavens for a solution. I doubt very much the answer is even a simple one, but in general terms, the "evil" we do can be attributed to us being a broken, half-evolved species of mammals, with over-large adrenal glands and too-small frontal cortexes. I know this answer is cold and clinical. People tell me its not good enough. They want some metaphysical reason for their pain. And they call me a narcissist! What makes us so valuable to the cosmos that our falls much be ordained by great powers? I need no demons or devils to explain the SS, or why earthquakes kill whole villages. Such desires are always linked to our desire to give life some meaning, and to avoid the fear that this life might be all there is. I don't know what happened to you exactly. I can make guesses, based off what you've written. May I suggest to you, my potential friend, that you not spend too much time working out the mathematics of evil, and concentrate on living a life of purpose and happiness. Anyways, I'm sorry Columbia didn't work out. Sounds ridiculously expensive. I myself am a student once more. Not for my BA, alas. The prices for tuition keep going up, and every time they do, all of that gets further out of my reach. In the meantime, I've signed up for a 2-year paralegal course, which should only take me half as long. I'm already a month ahead of schedule. Not Columbia, certainly, but it is enjoyable to be tested. I feel as if my brain has been in a state of atrophy, for a long time.

Jesus, you really fried your ex, didn't you? Hope I never get on your bad side. [Ed.: I sent him my column where I interviewed Wm. about living in his office.] Ain't love grand? I thin it was Donne who said, "tis better to have loved and lost..." etc. etc. I've been in love and lost, and my response to him would be to dig up his sorry corpse and punch him in his lying jaw. Well, maybe not, as that seems to entail a lot of work, but you get my point.

Well, I hope this finds you well, Kelly. It's 74 degrees F outside right now, so maybe it will soon be warm enough for you to fight over the pool seats again. :-) Can't believe you have your own stamp. Pretty cool. [Ed.: I have postage stamps with my picture on them.]

---Not that cool,

T