Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #2

Dear Kelly,

Thank you very much for your fun letter, which I received on Friday. I especially enjoyed reading your quirky takes on the madness we call modern life. I suppose I must disagree with your self-analyses of not being a "real" writer, though I think our difference of opinion pivots on that trouble word in quotations. Hmm... how post-modern, and I'm still in the first paragraph. Not a good sign. Anyways, for what it is work, I enjoyed the brief trip into the world as envisioned by Kelly. If a bad haircut does indeed lead to a bad relationship, then I must say, under my present conditions, I am rather glad to be going bald. :-)

You are an extremely multi-faceted individual, which is something I enjoy in fellow human beings. I am not sure if taking the LSATs for fun makes you "nuts or a nerd or both" but so what if it does? It will be an interesting experience, and that is pretty much all we have here in God's forgotten ant farm. I've been taking some correspondence paralegal courses for a while, and have often wondered how well I might do myself on these exams. I have a..shall we say"low" opinion of every attorney I've met in connection to this case. So if these idiots can get into law school, surely the two of us would be capable. I have sent over 300 letters out to large law firms in your fair city, looking for pro bono help on my federal write of HC... want to guess how many responses I've received? Hint: It's a number Christians in the Middle Ages believed to be heretical. Bloody lawyers. You wouldn't fit into the club, I'm afraid, though your double-barrelled shotgun blast of wit would be able to write many an amusing article on what really goes on in courtrooms in the country.

Poor James Frey. I actually have something in common with Mr. Frey, in that the both of us have been unceremoniously crucified by that cow Oprah. I used to be somewhat ambivalent towards this cultural icon. Alas, no longer. It is pretty cool you were able to get a recommendation from him for Columbia. That is bound to count for something, though 22 out of 700 are some pretty scary odds. What does the full two-year program cost? You mentioned it was expensive. Surely some form of student aid is available for you?

All of this has fostered a question in my mind, Kelly, and I hope you will forgive me some large measure of bluntness. You seem so very interesting and successful. Why would you waste your time writing some loser convict like me? I have come to grips with the epiphany that most of my pen-pals have lives which resemble trainwrecks, and are simply looking for someone in a comparatively worse situation, so they can feel better about their own fates. Your clearly do not fit into this demographic. Some sort of leftist project? I guess can't see myself as someone who would be interesting enough to hold your attention for long. I am so boring. Some of that is situational--my world is 6X10. Some, however, is just me. There was a time that I would not have asked, but I have grown so weary with the never-ending cycle of here-today-gone-tomorrow friends that I feel compelled to question people's motives. Don't tell anyone I am so desperately lonely, it will ruin my image, ha ha. Sigh.

Anyways, how did you "publicize" being fired? I suppose the whole PR world is interesting to me, because I am attempting to publicize my website/situation. I won't ask for tips, don't worry. I would hate to be so boorish or predictable. Do you ever begin to feel "allergic" to labels or advertisements, not that you understand the mechanics of how all of that works? I seem to possess some very effective antibodies to advertisement. I don't believe I have ever purchased a product based on anything other than my personal sense of aesthetics. I tend to avoid obvious labels, for some reason. Hm...now who is nuts?

What is the addy for your blog? I may get someone to print out portions of it. Would you be opposed if I quoted you at some point? My readership is no doubt paltry compared to your own, but perhaps I could snag you a few new readers. I seem to be stuck in the low-to-mid single thousands per week, sadly. The whole [death penalty] issue is not one most people want to address, though. Who can blame them? It makes the average citizen party to murder. Anyways, to answer your questions about curse words and photographs: I can receive both in my letters. Though it should be noted that the level of sexual frustration has reached truly epic proportions, so bikinis and such are probably not a good idea as I am likely to break some vital piece of machinery in my head upon viewing such a thing. Besides nobody wants some creepy DR [Death Row] guy sending them heart-sick missives proclaiming his love and admiration (just kidding. I would never do such a thing.)

[Editor's note: To clarify, I sent him a benign article I had written about a free pool in my neighborhood that I got published, but explained to him that I had copied and pasted it into a document in order to print it for him, because the original article had a picture of me at the pool, and I deemed it inappropriate to send to him. I then asked him if he was allowed to get articles that had curses in them sent to him. I know that all mail is read prior to being handed over to prisoners and wondered if foul language was censored. I was not going to write a letter with curses in it, but there was a film review about a new movie about the death penalty that had quotes in it that had curses in them, and I wanted to check prior to mailing it to him if there were language restrictions.]

My main worry would be what would happen if the mailroom hags sent the letter to someone else's cell.

Well, I hope this finds you well. Sorry for my microscopic handwriting---never been told that before. NEXT TIME I WILL TRY SOMETHING ELSE, ok? UNTIL THEN!

Yours,

TBW