Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #38
Kelly,
I'm listening to some sports talk show givig major league baseball updates. I'm not real thrilled about baseball, at least not until the World Series in October. Football and Nascar are my picks. I do also enjoy rugby. Have you ever seen rugby played? They are as violent as the hockey players but they don't wear protection. It's a fast game and fun to watch when two good teams go at it. They have a weird rule. (If you don't know, it's a lot like football, but with a bigger ball.) You can only pass the ball behind you, though you're trying to go forward. Anyway, I find great entertainment in sports, especially odd ones like Badminton and Curling. I mean, when's the last time you played shuffleboard? Maybe playing some mildly physical sport will help you feel better? It usually tickles the shit out of me.
Thanks for your letter. I like your little excursions to food meccas, eateries and carts. Actually it makes (Don't worry be happy is now playing. That tells you something about radio in Indiana.) me happy that you find some joy in food. You are thin, so I sometimes wonder if you are hungry a lot. I have a habit of sneering at tiny, twiggy models. I know its really the model industry I should be angry at for coercing these women to be size 0 and 2. It leads to a lot of unhealthy habits and disorders. Also, when your body fat percent drops below like...18%, women often develop problems where they no longer menstruate, and it eats calcium from their bones. I feel bad for them and think some regulatory agency should ban or heavily find companies who use models thinner than size 4. It's rare that women are naturally that thin, so it would send a healthier message to women out there, plus protect the health of models. Anyway, when I see women under size 6, I say, "She looks hungry" and I have the intense urge to feed them.
I thought of you this weekend when I heard an ad on the radio. I hear it often but really paid attn. this time. It's an ad for reattors. It talks about the benefits of using a realtor and what's special about them, and tells about the association they are part of and contact info. I remember you saying once how an association made up of realtors wanted you to get them publicity. Why don't they place ads? Or an article written about their benefits and have a website? Maybe I'm naive.
Amir appears to be loaded. Are you addicted to torturing yourself? I mean, i fyou are, that's fine. There's a lot of people who get off on emotional pain. If not, then what's making you want Amir to be your boyfriend when you know 1) He will cheat on you 2) He will lie to you 3) He will not love you.
Somehow that defies all points of having a boyfriend. What's the differnece between that and what you have now? At least now you have sex, go out, and enjoy his conversation and charm. What am I missing? Just in casae you've never been told this, I'm offering it: Do never ever, in a million years, ever, think you can change a man. That by being with you, he will love you so much he'll be faithful, sober, nonabusive, responsible, mature employed. Even if it appears that all he needs is a good woman to show him his potential. Even if he starts to improve while with you. I thought that about every boyfriend I've ever had and a few girlfriends. It's a myth. I thought that about Rick. Just a few days before he killed Trish and Drew he told me, "I love you so much. You make me a better person." I am sure you can see the tragedy in that.
I am NOT saying I've done better in the past. In fact, I had a lover who was a womanizerand was a really attractive, sweet, charming, funny and smart person. I wanted to be with her so badly that I accepted her as is. The agreement: when she had another lover, we did not have sex. So two months on, two months off--She never kept one very long. She said women were like Christmas presents. Exciting when you look, exciting when you touch and open, exciting at first, then quickly lose their luster. Then she'd dump them and we'd continue. During our OFF times, we'd still be best friends. Everything we had on our ON times except the kissing and sex. So I can understand wanting something so badly that youa re willing to do whatever it takes. You have to ask yourself will that really make you happy? Because you certainly don't need any more shit bringing you DOWN THERE.
A lady told me she had an accident last week and stayed in her car (hit and run) until someone came to help. She didn't have her cell phone with her and no one stopped to help her. I asked why she didn't find a payphone.
She said, "There are no payphones anymore," with a funny face like I was from 1980.
Well, I was about t find payphones when I was out when I needed them. Apparently I was just lucky.
It's odd that although that payphone in that picture was removed the electricity was still connected. It's like a beacon, luring people into its portal.
When will you find out about if your photos (MINI!) will appear in the Apartment Tour column? I know that you have said that your apt. is all black, white and red, but I've never seen photos. Have any handy? I know it is part of your OCD, but honestly, that's gotta be a pretty neat looking apartment.
What establishment is featuring Chiz's 100 Santa exhibit? Just how big is the world's smallest stapler? And where would one purchase staples for it?
Perhaps you could write a story about Down There and submit it somewhere. It's a great creation and tons of people can relate. Plus you make it fun with all the associations like Dante would encounter some figures but not really give background info, such as political figures or religious heads that were crooked or hypocritical but in order ot really get a deeper meaning you had to look them up or already be familiar. You could incorporate plenty of references to suicides, psychotics and situations and events that sort of draw a picture of 20th century or even the first decade of the 21st century. There's plenty of people with the sadz with all that has happened since 2000.You could write a whole novel or play. Or write your memoir of the last 10 years or whole life and parallel it with times you went Down There. And what/who else you saw as a marker of world events or to tie in stories of your friends' lives.
I know that you question the quality of your writing, but honestly, you know that others enjoy it, and isn't that what matters most? I mean, you aren't selling your work to yourself after all. Maybe you should trust the dozens of people telling you how well you write and that you should write a book. You have plenty of material already written in your years of blogging. You just need to apply a theme or vehicle to connect choice stories. Even a collection of seemingly random ones would be a good sell.
I know that I have a long way to go in my writing. I have improved a lot since last year and would do even better if I wrote less letters and more creative stuff, but my connection to people is part of what keeps me sane.
I think my submission to The Sun is decent enough. I really wanted ot m ake the very last point about freedom of self-expression and used my boss to make the connection to that month's threme "The Office". I changed names, so I could speculate--no, I don't know who turned me in. On one hand, the inference could be made that because it was anonymous it had to be someone with a lot of money. The reward was $25,000. But on the other hand, that was the FBI/US Marshalls reward, not AMW, and it could have NOT been broadcasted. I don't know. I have my theories/hunches, but in the end it doesn't matter. Whoever did it must have felt like they were doing the right thing and there are not enough people in the world who do good and right things. By not claiming the reward, it doesn't appear to be a selfish cause. It was done on principle. I respect that.
There is no word on when my isolation will end. When I ask, I get vague answers and even, "Well, there's a guy in such and such prison who's been in solitary for 8 years." So I am not holding my breath. I just keep on reading, writing, painting and doing my best.
Just over the past two days I cam up with a way to help people~ women in prison. One thing about women in prison is that the VAST majority have been abused, often by multiple people, multiple ways, and too often, sexually. Between the lack of conversations about sex, sexuality, gender, consent, expectations, roles, etc. from our parents who may either be uncomfortable with the topic or uninformed themselves, and a school system that sterilizes sex into health issues, and a popular culture view of sex as promiscousness is sexy, men are horny, women "give it up", sex as objects, devalued consent, etc. we all have this warped view of our bodies., sex and choice.
(THAT WAS A LONG ASS RUN-ON SENTENCE!)
Anyhow, I found some great material on sexual consent in both hetero and homosexual relationships, defining consent in an enlightening way, and on supporting/communicating and loving abuse survivors. It brings up issues that even emotionally intelligent people don't know or talk about and leave a person feeling validated and empowered in his sexual relationships.
I want to propose that a group from a local women's organization supporting abuse survivors to come in and do a one-day workshop or even a couple of hours seminar, educating women on what equals abuse and waht bushes the boundaries of consent and how to communicate their needs, and empowering them with ownership over their bodies.
In the meantime, I have some great material that can be copies and distributed on the dorms and through groups, and mental health--even education classes--that helps educate and stimulate conversation among women. Sometimes people just don't know. So I'm hopeful about that.
It's midnight. I'm pooped. Take good care of yourself. No one else will.
Love,
Sarah
I'm listening to some sports talk show givig major league baseball updates. I'm not real thrilled about baseball, at least not until the World Series in October. Football and Nascar are my picks. I do also enjoy rugby. Have you ever seen rugby played? They are as violent as the hockey players but they don't wear protection. It's a fast game and fun to watch when two good teams go at it. They have a weird rule. (If you don't know, it's a lot like football, but with a bigger ball.) You can only pass the ball behind you, though you're trying to go forward. Anyway, I find great entertainment in sports, especially odd ones like Badminton and Curling. I mean, when's the last time you played shuffleboard? Maybe playing some mildly physical sport will help you feel better? It usually tickles the shit out of me.
Thanks for your letter. I like your little excursions to food meccas, eateries and carts. Actually it makes (Don't worry be happy is now playing. That tells you something about radio in Indiana.) me happy that you find some joy in food. You are thin, so I sometimes wonder if you are hungry a lot. I have a habit of sneering at tiny, twiggy models. I know its really the model industry I should be angry at for coercing these women to be size 0 and 2. It leads to a lot of unhealthy habits and disorders. Also, when your body fat percent drops below like...18%, women often develop problems where they no longer menstruate, and it eats calcium from their bones. I feel bad for them and think some regulatory agency should ban or heavily find companies who use models thinner than size 4. It's rare that women are naturally that thin, so it would send a healthier message to women out there, plus protect the health of models. Anyway, when I see women under size 6, I say, "She looks hungry" and I have the intense urge to feed them.
I thought of you this weekend when I heard an ad on the radio. I hear it often but really paid attn. this time. It's an ad for reattors. It talks about the benefits of using a realtor and what's special about them, and tells about the association they are part of and contact info. I remember you saying once how an association made up of realtors wanted you to get them publicity. Why don't they place ads? Or an article written about their benefits and have a website? Maybe I'm naive.
Amir appears to be loaded. Are you addicted to torturing yourself? I mean, i fyou are, that's fine. There's a lot of people who get off on emotional pain. If not, then what's making you want Amir to be your boyfriend when you know 1) He will cheat on you 2) He will lie to you 3) He will not love you.
Somehow that defies all points of having a boyfriend. What's the differnece between that and what you have now? At least now you have sex, go out, and enjoy his conversation and charm. What am I missing? Just in casae you've never been told this, I'm offering it: Do never ever, in a million years, ever, think you can change a man. That by being with you, he will love you so much he'll be faithful, sober, nonabusive, responsible, mature employed. Even if it appears that all he needs is a good woman to show him his potential. Even if he starts to improve while with you. I thought that about every boyfriend I've ever had and a few girlfriends. It's a myth. I thought that about Rick. Just a few days before he killed Trish and Drew he told me, "I love you so much. You make me a better person." I am sure you can see the tragedy in that.
I am NOT saying I've done better in the past. In fact, I had a lover who was a womanizerand was a really attractive, sweet, charming, funny and smart person. I wanted to be with her so badly that I accepted her as is. The agreement: when she had another lover, we did not have sex. So two months on, two months off--She never kept one very long. She said women were like Christmas presents. Exciting when you look, exciting when you touch and open, exciting at first, then quickly lose their luster. Then she'd dump them and we'd continue. During our OFF times, we'd still be best friends. Everything we had on our ON times except the kissing and sex. So I can understand wanting something so badly that youa re willing to do whatever it takes. You have to ask yourself will that really make you happy? Because you certainly don't need any more shit bringing you DOWN THERE.
A lady told me she had an accident last week and stayed in her car (hit and run) until someone came to help. She didn't have her cell phone with her and no one stopped to help her. I asked why she didn't find a payphone.
She said, "There are no payphones anymore," with a funny face like I was from 1980.
Well, I was about t find payphones when I was out when I needed them. Apparently I was just lucky.
It's odd that although that payphone in that picture was removed the electricity was still connected. It's like a beacon, luring people into its portal.
When will you find out about if your photos (MINI!) will appear in the Apartment Tour column? I know that you have said that your apt. is all black, white and red, but I've never seen photos. Have any handy? I know it is part of your OCD, but honestly, that's gotta be a pretty neat looking apartment.
What establishment is featuring Chiz's 100 Santa exhibit? Just how big is the world's smallest stapler? And where would one purchase staples for it?
Perhaps you could write a story about Down There and submit it somewhere. It's a great creation and tons of people can relate. Plus you make it fun with all the associations like Dante would encounter some figures but not really give background info, such as political figures or religious heads that were crooked or hypocritical but in order ot really get a deeper meaning you had to look them up or already be familiar. You could incorporate plenty of references to suicides, psychotics and situations and events that sort of draw a picture of 20th century or even the first decade of the 21st century. There's plenty of people with the sadz with all that has happened since 2000.You could write a whole novel or play. Or write your memoir of the last 10 years or whole life and parallel it with times you went Down There. And what/who else you saw as a marker of world events or to tie in stories of your friends' lives.
I know that you question the quality of your writing, but honestly, you know that others enjoy it, and isn't that what matters most? I mean, you aren't selling your work to yourself after all. Maybe you should trust the dozens of people telling you how well you write and that you should write a book. You have plenty of material already written in your years of blogging. You just need to apply a theme or vehicle to connect choice stories. Even a collection of seemingly random ones would be a good sell.
I know that I have a long way to go in my writing. I have improved a lot since last year and would do even better if I wrote less letters and more creative stuff, but my connection to people is part of what keeps me sane.
I think my submission to The Sun is decent enough. I really wanted ot m ake the very last point about freedom of self-expression and used my boss to make the connection to that month's threme "The Office". I changed names, so I could speculate--no, I don't know who turned me in. On one hand, the inference could be made that because it was anonymous it had to be someone with a lot of money. The reward was $25,000. But on the other hand, that was the FBI/US Marshalls reward, not AMW, and it could have NOT been broadcasted. I don't know. I have my theories/hunches, but in the end it doesn't matter. Whoever did it must have felt like they were doing the right thing and there are not enough people in the world who do good and right things. By not claiming the reward, it doesn't appear to be a selfish cause. It was done on principle. I respect that.
There is no word on when my isolation will end. When I ask, I get vague answers and even, "Well, there's a guy in such and such prison who's been in solitary for 8 years." So I am not holding my breath. I just keep on reading, writing, painting and doing my best.
Just over the past two days I cam up with a way to help people~ women in prison. One thing about women in prison is that the VAST majority have been abused, often by multiple people, multiple ways, and too often, sexually. Between the lack of conversations about sex, sexuality, gender, consent, expectations, roles, etc. from our parents who may either be uncomfortable with the topic or uninformed themselves, and a school system that sterilizes sex into health issues, and a popular culture view of sex as promiscousness is sexy, men are horny, women "give it up", sex as objects, devalued consent, etc. we all have this warped view of our bodies., sex and choice.
(THAT WAS A LONG ASS RUN-ON SENTENCE!)
Anyhow, I found some great material on sexual consent in both hetero and homosexual relationships, defining consent in an enlightening way, and on supporting/communicating and loving abuse survivors. It brings up issues that even emotionally intelligent people don't know or talk about and leave a person feeling validated and empowered in his sexual relationships.
I want to propose that a group from a local women's organization supporting abuse survivors to come in and do a one-day workshop or even a couple of hours seminar, educating women on what equals abuse and waht bushes the boundaries of consent and how to communicate their needs, and empowering them with ownership over their bodies.
In the meantime, I have some great material that can be copies and distributed on the dorms and through groups, and mental health--even education classes--that helps educate and stimulate conversation among women. Sometimes people just don't know. So I'm hopeful about that.
It's midnight. I'm pooped. Take good care of yourself. No one else will.
Love,
Sarah
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #88
This one is pretty interesting because he discusses poisoning. Also, it is the one in which a man who murdered 60 people tells me I'm a little nuts.
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! I know these are the words of your beloved/despised Amir. And no man can hope to compete with his unique combination of infidelity, prevarication, and gourmet cooking. Oh yes, and perhaps a perceived lack of conscience...Hmmmm...could be just a bit of that trait (sociopaths) that you have studied more than most.
Yes, tongue firmly planted in cheek, KK. Relationships and attractions are complex and fascinating for sure.... I await your next update with interest.
No letters from you for a week or more. You are probably super-busy or out of town or finally spending several days with Amir exploring every conceivable sexual act beteween a man and a woman. In any event, hope to hear from you before the 4th of July weekend--more time to answer what I"m sure will be another scintillating letter from your very busy mind.
OK-now to a few outstanding questions and comments:
>I know this is not the answer you expect but it is honest nonetheless. There is really nothing to "open up" about [my murdering]. There was never an "uncontrollable" or "compulsive urge to do what was done. If you think for a moment, you would realize that makes sense. Someone with an "uncontrollable urge" very soon overrides any internal or external barriers. Whatever it was he or she was doing would not go unseen or undetected for very long at all.
Despite the dogma about sociopaths--that it is an all or nothing syndrome or disorder, with fairly rigid unchanging criteria...I've tried to make it clear to you that is not always the case.
No question in my mind that such actions would not ever be repeated. But again, it is not so simple as an off/on switch. It might make you feel better that such questions and lack of clear absolute answers is not only maddening to you, KK!
Professionals who make such acts and personalities their career work are similarly puzzled and maddened. So you're in good company.
In re: LADY GAGA "Telephone" song & video. First of all, I'm not fascinated by the video at all. I like Lady GaGa as we've discussed--all her videos are mini-films that spark the senses, especially "Paparazzi" and "Bad Romance". Her songs are highly original. Like everyone since Michael Jacksonthe dance world in the 1980s, her dance moves/choreography are borrowed heavily from Jackson & Madonna but because is GaGa, love to watch her and her entourage.
The mass homicide aspect of the "Telephone" video is clearly out there from a toxicological point of view; it's clear that whatever was used was easily disguised and very fast-acting. Probably along the lines of what Goering used in his Nuremburg cell---look it up! That would definitely "fit". Believe me, no extreme special knowledge needed...any medical or nursing or pharm student who's taken the pharm part of their training could say as much.
[Ed.: Someone on my facebook page knows I write to Swango and mentioned years ago her mother was asked out by him and that Swango had gone to school with her father. Later, Swango moved into the building they lived in. I relayed the broad details (no names) to Swango.]
NOW: Talk about "maddening": So--a woman you know from my home town [actually high school only--but close enough]: I asked her mother out on a date/plus went to HS years earlier with her eventual husband? Talk about six degrees of separation. Plus the bizarre footnote on the moving into the house?
Obviously, this is fascinating for many reasons. The very interesting: asked her out / doesn't say "went out"/ I have a sense there was much more than that... Again, because of your skittishness about exploring all aspects of human relationships, we haven't really gotten into many things we probably should. During that time a lot happened. Because of that "older woman" I mentioned, my entire emotional and sexual attitudes towards woman were formed. I am sure you had a man or men who went far in determining your future emotional & sexual attitudes & relationships...
NOLA was during that time ( and into the early 80s), as was apparently this wolman of whom you speak. I actually have an idea of who...if it was, there was far more (in a very powerful and beautifuil way) than "asking out". But again, I can't be sure. Again, an extremely fulfilling and rich time--with some powerful and intense and very clear (and at times, explicit) memories that I am sure you--as a writer and as a woman and as my friend -- I hope-- would find just as interesting.
Anyway, I would love to know more about this if you can.
I absolutely want to get this off to you before the long wekend--so I must get this in the mail.
1) However, in my next letter(s) -- I will address your green single page letter. [Warning: Probably no way to keep that PG-13.]
2) AND some thoughts on old technologies and lost information along the lines of your artist friend in Portland and his fascination with the recent but obsolete past i.e. phone booths, white pages, faxes.
Trust me, an amazing topic with many, many examples and ramifications. It will begin with a "warehouse in New Jersey".
Thanks and thinking of you in a good way. XOXO Gossip Girl (she lives near you by the way.)
Yours,
Michael
P.S. You really are amazing--hope my letters are not too maddening. You're a little nuts anyway, right? :-)
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! I know these are the words of your beloved/despised Amir. And no man can hope to compete with his unique combination of infidelity, prevarication, and gourmet cooking. Oh yes, and perhaps a perceived lack of conscience...Hmmmm...could be just a bit of that trait (sociopaths) that you have studied more than most.
Yes, tongue firmly planted in cheek, KK. Relationships and attractions are complex and fascinating for sure.... I await your next update with interest.
No letters from you for a week or more. You are probably super-busy or out of town or finally spending several days with Amir exploring every conceivable sexual act beteween a man and a woman. In any event, hope to hear from you before the 4th of July weekend--more time to answer what I"m sure will be another scintillating letter from your very busy mind.
OK-now to a few outstanding questions and comments:
>I know this is not the answer you expect but it is honest nonetheless. There is really nothing to "open up" about [my murdering]. There was never an "uncontrollable" or "compulsive urge to do what was done. If you think for a moment, you would realize that makes sense. Someone with an "uncontrollable urge" very soon overrides any internal or external barriers. Whatever it was he or she was doing would not go unseen or undetected for very long at all.
Despite the dogma about sociopaths--that it is an all or nothing syndrome or disorder, with fairly rigid unchanging criteria...I've tried to make it clear to you that is not always the case.
No question in my mind that such actions would not ever be repeated. But again, it is not so simple as an off/on switch. It might make you feel better that such questions and lack of clear absolute answers is not only maddening to you, KK!
Professionals who make such acts and personalities their career work are similarly puzzled and maddened. So you're in good company.
In re: LADY GAGA "Telephone" song & video. First of all, I'm not fascinated by the video at all. I like Lady GaGa as we've discussed--all her videos are mini-films that spark the senses, especially "Paparazzi" and "Bad Romance". Her songs are highly original. Like everyone since Michael Jacksonthe dance world in the 1980s, her dance moves/choreography are borrowed heavily from Jackson & Madonna but because is GaGa, love to watch her and her entourage.
The mass homicide aspect of the "Telephone" video is clearly out there from a toxicological point of view; it's clear that whatever was used was easily disguised and very fast-acting. Probably along the lines of what Goering used in his Nuremburg cell---look it up! That would definitely "fit". Believe me, no extreme special knowledge needed...any medical or nursing or pharm student who's taken the pharm part of their training could say as much.
[Ed.: Someone on my facebook page knows I write to Swango and mentioned years ago her mother was asked out by him and that Swango had gone to school with her father. Later, Swango moved into the building they lived in. I relayed the broad details (no names) to Swango.]
NOW: Talk about "maddening": So--a woman you know from my home town [actually high school only--but close enough]: I asked her mother out on a date/plus went to HS years earlier with her eventual husband? Talk about six degrees of separation. Plus the bizarre footnote on the moving into the house?
Obviously, this is fascinating for many reasons. The very interesting: asked her out / doesn't say "went out"/ I have a sense there was much more than that... Again, because of your skittishness about exploring all aspects of human relationships, we haven't really gotten into many things we probably should. During that time a lot happened. Because of that "older woman" I mentioned, my entire emotional and sexual attitudes towards woman were formed. I am sure you had a man or men who went far in determining your future emotional & sexual attitudes & relationships...
NOLA was during that time ( and into the early 80s), as was apparently this wolman of whom you speak. I actually have an idea of who...if it was, there was far more (in a very powerful and beautifuil way) than "asking out". But again, I can't be sure. Again, an extremely fulfilling and rich time--with some powerful and intense and very clear (and at times, explicit) memories that I am sure you--as a writer and as a woman and as my friend -- I hope-- would find just as interesting.
Anyway, I would love to know more about this if you can.
I absolutely want to get this off to you before the long wekend--so I must get this in the mail.
1) However, in my next letter(s) -- I will address your green single page letter. [Warning: Probably no way to keep that PG-13.]
2) AND some thoughts on old technologies and lost information along the lines of your artist friend in Portland and his fascination with the recent but obsolete past i.e. phone booths, white pages, faxes.
Trust me, an amazing topic with many, many examples and ramifications. It will begin with a "warehouse in New Jersey".
Thanks and thinking of you in a good way. XOXO Gossip Girl (she lives near you by the way.)
Yours,
Michael
P.S. You really are amazing--hope my letters are not too maddening. You're a little nuts anyway, right? :-)
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #36
Kelly,
A strange Friday here. I feel a disturbance in the Universe but haven't quite figured what it is just yet. I used to ignore my intuition but it seemed that too many times when I did, I fucked myself, so I practice paying attention now. I don't want to lose my sense of it. In fact, I want to hone in on it. As a do do do society, we have less time and incentive to pay attention to intuitioin. CAT scans reveal medical issues, tigers aren't lurking outside our tent, security alarms alert us to burglars, and some sort of resonance imaging detects underground sources of water. Female intuition is slowly being replaced by technology.
I'm taking a break from writing. Spent the last 3 days putting together a fun chapter tentatively titled, "Heat and Happiness". It tells a story about when I was in Cinncinati (when I was out) and revolves around a conversation I had with a man in which I asked, "Are you happy?" I've asked this question to people before or other types of questions that not only reveal a lot about a person's character but also is an opening for deep philosophical discourse. Heat is sort of a vehicle through the chapter to tie in a bit about my past and otherwise unrelated information. I have like two pages to finish it., then I think I"ll go forward timewise until I get settled in Chicago, tentatively titled, "Lies, Lies, Lies". Of course, it continues my story chronologically, but addresses truth, honesty, integrity and lies in different contexts and ties in information about the prelude to my escape.
Handwiting a book is a lot of work. Whoever invented word processors was a genius.
You asked to see what I submitted to The Sun. Instead of rewriting it, I'll send you my copy. The version I sent to them only differs in a few words. The June's deadline topic was "The Office". If they decide to publish it, I'll be notified along with a copy of the version they want to print. THey edit pieces, sometimes heavily, probably for space, clarlity or literary aesthetics. I looked at the Reader's Write section in three issues and judge about how long they like the pieces to be. Since they publish about 20 submissions each month, I figure i have a better chance than a single month's publication that picks one longer piece. There are about 70,000 subscribers. Many teachers, authors, etc. so I'm sure there will be a lot of submissions. Thus I kept it short.
They have a June deadline for the October publication. I wrote the topics for the next couple of months in the margins. I may write something for August. Right now I"m working between my legal stuff,my book, letters and now on my to do list is to write a short piece for a Prisoner Support Network newsletter. The one thing about writing for me is how incredibly inadequate I feel the peices are. LIke who I am to write on this? or a background of fear that I'll look back in a year and be embarassed about how awful it is.
Do you get that?
[Ed.: I'm omitting some lesser important writing.]
Well here's to Love and Laughter---probably another chapter waiting to be written!
--Sarah
***
Here's her entry to the magazine under the topic "THE OFFICE":
Everyday under a brown, sport-billed hat and behind lightly tinted sunglasses, I hid. Glitter stars awakend in the heavens before I would expose my orbs to stolen glances and the foreign stares of potential enemies, especially metro bus riders. Being attractive and under 30 did not divert wandering eyes, but resorting to facial scarring, surgery or fake warts crossed a line for me. If cut and dye hair, street clothes, and thirty gained pounds weren't enough, then perhaps it wasn't worth doing.
My pervading paranoia retreated only when I was locked safely behind the door of my top-floor apartment or hidden at our remotely located office, but did not always remain at bay. Intense self-consciousness tailgated the HVAC repairman and hovered around me as he worked. Fear rode in on the shoulder of a BlackBerry-weilding businessman and sank it's claws into me. I could not help but wonder how these men planned their weekends.
While a desk, dual computers with an exposed tangle of wires, a monolithic electronic drafting board and racks and pyriamids of blueprints hogged my half of our single-room office, filing cabinets crowded around Petri and squeezed him into a corner. Petri made efficient use of limited space, packed his lunch, listened to Catholic radio in his car and was Shel's longest-lasting employee by far. I neer worried about Petri. He was too nice, too smart, too clean, too something to watch trashy dramatic American television on the few Saturday nights he wasn't keyboarding for his Polish rock band. Good Petri would never know and never tell.
I wondered about my boss, But not enough. No matter what time that I came or left work, how many personal phone calls or cigarette breaks that I took, Shel didn't complain. However, he clocked hours behind a wheel, not a desk.
She's real office was crammed mostly inside his head and what spilled over then littered the backseat of his truck. He trusted my reported hours, my story, and the million dollar figures I calculated. Sometimes when he came in with the setting sun to crunch last minute numbers, he'd sit next ot me facing a huge set of blueprints and press in close, knee touching knee, and softly brush my arm.
I considered trusting him in return and revealing my identity, but who was I? I missed who I used to be, was dissatisfied with who I had become, an suppressed who I wanted to be: freely expressed and authentic.
Though tempted by his promises of private weekend fishing and camping in a picturesque Wisconsin dell and wintere vacation in his home in Italy, I'd gently push his heavy, worn-worn hand off of my thigh and remind him I was gay, he wore a wedding ring, and we had a deadline to meet.
It wasn't luxury or freedom that he offered; it was just another prison living another life based on another lie, playing a stranger that I didn' t want to be. Looking back, I had sacrified another piece of myself. Shel would have been eating my fried eggplant or driving us back from the movie theater over snow-dusted strees on that Saturday night and I would still be playing Ashley Thompson. Instead he was home slouching in his recliner watching "America's Most Wanted" and now I am free. To be me. Behind concrete and wire once again---
A strange Friday here. I feel a disturbance in the Universe but haven't quite figured what it is just yet. I used to ignore my intuition but it seemed that too many times when I did, I fucked myself, so I practice paying attention now. I don't want to lose my sense of it. In fact, I want to hone in on it. As a do do do society, we have less time and incentive to pay attention to intuitioin. CAT scans reveal medical issues, tigers aren't lurking outside our tent, security alarms alert us to burglars, and some sort of resonance imaging detects underground sources of water. Female intuition is slowly being replaced by technology.
I'm taking a break from writing. Spent the last 3 days putting together a fun chapter tentatively titled, "Heat and Happiness". It tells a story about when I was in Cinncinati (when I was out) and revolves around a conversation I had with a man in which I asked, "Are you happy?" I've asked this question to people before or other types of questions that not only reveal a lot about a person's character but also is an opening for deep philosophical discourse. Heat is sort of a vehicle through the chapter to tie in a bit about my past and otherwise unrelated information. I have like two pages to finish it., then I think I"ll go forward timewise until I get settled in Chicago, tentatively titled, "Lies, Lies, Lies". Of course, it continues my story chronologically, but addresses truth, honesty, integrity and lies in different contexts and ties in information about the prelude to my escape.
Handwiting a book is a lot of work. Whoever invented word processors was a genius.
You asked to see what I submitted to The Sun. Instead of rewriting it, I'll send you my copy. The version I sent to them only differs in a few words. The June's deadline topic was "The Office". If they decide to publish it, I'll be notified along with a copy of the version they want to print. THey edit pieces, sometimes heavily, probably for space, clarlity or literary aesthetics. I looked at the Reader's Write section in three issues and judge about how long they like the pieces to be. Since they publish about 20 submissions each month, I figure i have a better chance than a single month's publication that picks one longer piece. There are about 70,000 subscribers. Many teachers, authors, etc. so I'm sure there will be a lot of submissions. Thus I kept it short.
They have a June deadline for the October publication. I wrote the topics for the next couple of months in the margins. I may write something for August. Right now I"m working between my legal stuff,my book, letters and now on my to do list is to write a short piece for a Prisoner Support Network newsletter. The one thing about writing for me is how incredibly inadequate I feel the peices are. LIke who I am to write on this? or a background of fear that I'll look back in a year and be embarassed about how awful it is.
Do you get that?
[Ed.: I'm omitting some lesser important writing.]
Well here's to Love and Laughter---probably another chapter waiting to be written!
--Sarah
***
Here's her entry to the magazine under the topic "THE OFFICE":
Everyday under a brown, sport-billed hat and behind lightly tinted sunglasses, I hid. Glitter stars awakend in the heavens before I would expose my orbs to stolen glances and the foreign stares of potential enemies, especially metro bus riders. Being attractive and under 30 did not divert wandering eyes, but resorting to facial scarring, surgery or fake warts crossed a line for me. If cut and dye hair, street clothes, and thirty gained pounds weren't enough, then perhaps it wasn't worth doing.
My pervading paranoia retreated only when I was locked safely behind the door of my top-floor apartment or hidden at our remotely located office, but did not always remain at bay. Intense self-consciousness tailgated the HVAC repairman and hovered around me as he worked. Fear rode in on the shoulder of a BlackBerry-weilding businessman and sank it's claws into me. I could not help but wonder how these men planned their weekends.
While a desk, dual computers with an exposed tangle of wires, a monolithic electronic drafting board and racks and pyriamids of blueprints hogged my half of our single-room office, filing cabinets crowded around Petri and squeezed him into a corner. Petri made efficient use of limited space, packed his lunch, listened to Catholic radio in his car and was Shel's longest-lasting employee by far. I neer worried about Petri. He was too nice, too smart, too clean, too something to watch trashy dramatic American television on the few Saturday nights he wasn't keyboarding for his Polish rock band. Good Petri would never know and never tell.
I wondered about my boss, But not enough. No matter what time that I came or left work, how many personal phone calls or cigarette breaks that I took, Shel didn't complain. However, he clocked hours behind a wheel, not a desk.
She's real office was crammed mostly inside his head and what spilled over then littered the backseat of his truck. He trusted my reported hours, my story, and the million dollar figures I calculated. Sometimes when he came in with the setting sun to crunch last minute numbers, he'd sit next ot me facing a huge set of blueprints and press in close, knee touching knee, and softly brush my arm.
I considered trusting him in return and revealing my identity, but who was I? I missed who I used to be, was dissatisfied with who I had become, an suppressed who I wanted to be: freely expressed and authentic.
Though tempted by his promises of private weekend fishing and camping in a picturesque Wisconsin dell and wintere vacation in his home in Italy, I'd gently push his heavy, worn-worn hand off of my thigh and remind him I was gay, he wore a wedding ring, and we had a deadline to meet.
It wasn't luxury or freedom that he offered; it was just another prison living another life based on another lie, playing a stranger that I didn' t want to be. Looking back, I had sacrified another piece of myself. Shel would have been eating my fried eggplant or driving us back from the movie theater over snow-dusted strees on that Saturday night and I would still be playing Ashley Thompson. Instead he was home slouching in his recliner watching "America's Most Wanted" and now I am free. To be me. Behind concrete and wire once again---
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #87
Dear Kelly,
Once again my apologies for the delay in writing and mailing this letter to you. I had to take care of some minor but necessary legal work--hopefully the last until fall. In any event, always pleased to get back to writing and talking to one of my favorite people. I'm sure another letter will closely follow this one as there is much to say/but I am determined at least to make a start today!
First of all--thank you for clearing up the confusion (mine, not yours!) about your lovely and honest and (as it turns out) one-page "green letter". I will answer it in full---but first to more time-sensitive topics:
OK- Your 40th Birthday: Your story of your encounter with Emily Gould was uncomfortable, cringe-inducing, and very, very funny--all at the same time. That would be a great story to tell at one of your stand-up slams. Your "Cliff Notes" version of her book was brilliant begging with "Whiny narcissist moves to NYC..." If brevity is the Soul of Wit, your pithy summary has lots of soul, KK.
Lovely sexy (and sexual) photo. Trust me, Kelly, the "Sex and the City" women have nothing on you. And by the way, even more in the soft focus, your eyes and mouth are amazing. Also to quote Mrs. Cunningham in "Seinfeld": LOVE THE SHOES!
[Ed.: There was nothing sexy or sexual about the photo he was sent. It was the one I posted here of me in a knee-length, high-necked black dress with pink wedge heels. While I think I looked pretty and fashionable, it was totally demure.]
So again, happy 40th. Your best is ahead of you sexy lady. I'm sure of it. But remember all things considered you've done pretty well up until now.
One more thin on you and Ms. Gould: Do you not find it quite a coincidence that you both have a panic disorder and the somewhat rare disease of interstitial cystitis?
The best ending to this would be if you two could somehow become friends. Once you could both laugh about the "incident," maybe even good friends?
BTW: I have been involved in loving intense relationships with at least two women with whom I disagreed on so much.
[Ed.: I'm omitting a bunch of movie commentary.]
Your commens on the British elections are not unexpected! I've always been an Anglophile--their films, their authors, history and politics.
Once again---I love the fact that while we have so many things in common, there are also several subjects on which we are apples and oranges. But I must tell you that I am drawn to topics and ideas that someone whose opinion I respect either appreciates or espouses. Two examples from a recent post: Surrealism and Architecture. Because of the latter I have become fascinated with the Byzantine goings-on at the NY/NJ Port Authority and the (so-far) ten year epic mess to build something at Ground Zero.
So what this all means is that you do draw me in to your worlds of cooking and blogging---and I thank you!
Two subjects I am very surprised we haven't discussed, especially the first one:
>JONESTOWN: Nov 1978. KK, even with all the horrors that occurred since the late 70s, JONESTOWN remains a singular event in our history.
A full commentary and analysis at some point. You talk about obsession and sociopathy--how one man could cause 800+ people to commit suicide...to kill their own children.
>The novels of Bret Easton Ellis. I mention this now because his new book, Imperial Bedrooms, is apparently a sequel to the book that put him on th emap, his first novel, LESS THAN ZERO.
Yes, I am quite familiar with his brutally sadistic and misogynistic novel, American Psycho, which somehow also managed to perfectly capture the nihilistic materialsm of the late 1980s.
Obviously I have barely touched your most recent letter---a long fantastic letter where you answered three of mine. So that is where I will begin tomorrow or the next day.
Preview: Totally agree with you on the LOST finale. It was beautiful--for me to say that means it really was beautiful--and in keeping with the mantra, "Everything that Rises Must Converge". My full comments to follow--and do keep your eye out for a one or more articles on LOST that analyze the shit ouf of the finale and the entire series. Thanks. XOXO says Gossip Girl.
Much more to follow, Kelly. Thinking of you, stay safe and hope you get lots of warm weather this month.
Yours,
Michael
Once again my apologies for the delay in writing and mailing this letter to you. I had to take care of some minor but necessary legal work--hopefully the last until fall. In any event, always pleased to get back to writing and talking to one of my favorite people. I'm sure another letter will closely follow this one as there is much to say/but I am determined at least to make a start today!
First of all--thank you for clearing up the confusion (mine, not yours!) about your lovely and honest and (as it turns out) one-page "green letter". I will answer it in full---but first to more time-sensitive topics:
OK- Your 40th Birthday: Your story of your encounter with Emily Gould was uncomfortable, cringe-inducing, and very, very funny--all at the same time. That would be a great story to tell at one of your stand-up slams. Your "Cliff Notes" version of her book was brilliant begging with "Whiny narcissist moves to NYC..." If brevity is the Soul of Wit, your pithy summary has lots of soul, KK.
Lovely sexy (and sexual) photo. Trust me, Kelly, the "Sex and the City" women have nothing on you. And by the way, even more in the soft focus, your eyes and mouth are amazing. Also to quote Mrs. Cunningham in "Seinfeld": LOVE THE SHOES!
[Ed.: There was nothing sexy or sexual about the photo he was sent. It was the one I posted here of me in a knee-length, high-necked black dress with pink wedge heels. While I think I looked pretty and fashionable, it was totally demure.]
So again, happy 40th. Your best is ahead of you sexy lady. I'm sure of it. But remember all things considered you've done pretty well up until now.
One more thin on you and Ms. Gould: Do you not find it quite a coincidence that you both have a panic disorder and the somewhat rare disease of interstitial cystitis?
The best ending to this would be if you two could somehow become friends. Once you could both laugh about the "incident," maybe even good friends?
BTW: I have been involved in loving intense relationships with at least two women with whom I disagreed on so much.
[Ed.: I'm omitting a bunch of movie commentary.]
Your commens on the British elections are not unexpected! I've always been an Anglophile--their films, their authors, history and politics.
Once again---I love the fact that while we have so many things in common, there are also several subjects on which we are apples and oranges. But I must tell you that I am drawn to topics and ideas that someone whose opinion I respect either appreciates or espouses. Two examples from a recent post: Surrealism and Architecture. Because of the latter I have become fascinated with the Byzantine goings-on at the NY/NJ Port Authority and the (so-far) ten year epic mess to build something at Ground Zero.
So what this all means is that you do draw me in to your worlds of cooking and blogging---and I thank you!
Two subjects I am very surprised we haven't discussed, especially the first one:
>JONESTOWN: Nov 1978. KK, even with all the horrors that occurred since the late 70s, JONESTOWN remains a singular event in our history.
A full commentary and analysis at some point. You talk about obsession and sociopathy--how one man could cause 800+ people to commit suicide...to kill their own children.
>The novels of Bret Easton Ellis. I mention this now because his new book, Imperial Bedrooms, is apparently a sequel to the book that put him on th emap, his first novel, LESS THAN ZERO.
Yes, I am quite familiar with his brutally sadistic and misogynistic novel, American Psycho, which somehow also managed to perfectly capture the nihilistic materialsm of the late 1980s.
Obviously I have barely touched your most recent letter---a long fantastic letter where you answered three of mine. So that is where I will begin tomorrow or the next day.
Preview: Totally agree with you on the LOST finale. It was beautiful--for me to say that means it really was beautiful--and in keeping with the mantra, "Everything that Rises Must Converge". My full comments to follow--and do keep your eye out for a one or more articles on LOST that analyze the shit ouf of the finale and the entire series. Thanks. XOXO says Gossip Girl.
Much more to follow, Kelly. Thinking of you, stay safe and hope you get lots of warm weather this month.
Yours,
Michael
