Saturday, October 17, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #17
Dear Kelly,
I was glad to hear from you today. Not specifically because it was you. Generally, when I get a letter from you, I think, "Good, let's see what funny thing Kelly has for me today." There is a great deal of humor, both dark and light about your life.
Today, I was happy bcause there's finally someone who understands me when I say I am depressed and doesn't feel sorry for me, or worry about me, or judge me. It's like you get it, and you understand that it sucks, because its there for you too.
Most of the people in my life are really well put together. These are people who are successful at one thing or another. Who get the blues from time to time, but haven't had to be medicated or see a shrink long enough to know her seven cats by name.
In fact, I feel embarassed to admit to them that I am depressed. I quickly explain without serious elaboration, and gloss over it. I'm nto sure if this is to avoid probing or to make them feel better about my personal issues.
I want to hug you.
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at the GrandSlam. I, too, know what it's like to be an overachiever and then fail miserably. It's a familiar feeling. I feel like I'm trying to fool people into believing I'm great, but can't fool everyone. But that's not true. I am great, and there are just some people who don't recognize my greatness.
As is such for you.
Some people, we will not connect with, and they are blind to our greatness. And sometimes, we do suck.
I read a quote yesterday in an article by Martha Beck (in Oprah Magazine)"The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the successful people fail more."
When you rock like you do, you will have to endure failures, just by the fact that you can't be perfect. And because you're an overachiever and successful, your # of attempts will be high, ergo, so will your # of failures.
In other words: Shit happens.
I get that it did not feel good to be judged harshly, to feel ike an outsider, and like raw talent isn't' enough. And that only women who are size 0 and airbrushed look good on camera. It's a travesty. And a sick truth.
You'd probably never have enough money to own a NYC apt., you're right. And does that deeply concern you? Will you be an outcast in the apartment owning world? Is it a top ten on your MUST DO BEFORE I DIE?
Just curious.
I appreciate your compassion about my situation and how it affects my sanity. It got worse this week. I ahve been told I should have no expectation of being released to open population 20 December. They can use the excuse that I am a high escape risk to keep me in segregation beyond my one-year of punishment. I was told I'd be in segregation "a while" and get out "someday." My outlook on life struggles to stay positive. It got so bad that I had to ask for help and got put on an antidepressant. I wonder if it will be enough. I feel ike it's been getting better this past week but then yesterday and today have been back to awful.
I am an expert at hating myself for all of my failures. I lay down to sleep and my mind runs through my fuck ups from all the way back to my childhood, as evidence of what a piece of shit I am. I hate it. I don't want to think over these things, but they come anyway. And then they manifest in my dreams.
No matter how good I am or how I succeed, my mistakes will always outshine my achievements.
Being alone is nice, but after a while you start to crave interaction, physical touch, food, a long, hot shower, a cup of coffee, a Sunday afternoon football game, or someone to make you laugh. Roommates can suck, but in general, they aren't bad. Only about 20% of the population are loathsome to live with.
Sure, there are "violent and scary" women here, but they usually are only violent with their girlfriends or during an argument over dumb shit I would never even dignify by speaking on. There are bullies, but they prey on the weaker women, and although I am generous, kind, and mild mannered, I have learned how to assert myself. I can be easier to manipulate than to be bullied. I get ramped up over someone trying to dominate me, so it doesn't get attempted often.
Most roommates are just annoying.
My wife got 7 years for helping me escape. With good behavior, she can be out in 3 1/2; if she enrolls in a vocational program, out in 2/123. (She's done 14 mos already). She will not be able to visit me when she gets out.
I will give you some stories about my family being from Zimbabwe in another letter. It's upbeat and I don't feel so happy today. But, yeah, you read it right. Missionary work.
Did you like Reid's novel? I am surprised you haven't dumped him yet with all his shortcomings. I crack up when you say shit like his g/f looks like a tranny. She must have one hell of a personality or superior sex skills. Perhaps she is a tranny, and Reid has a think for them. Maybe he's partly gay and she serves another function for him (he imagines she's a man during sex.)
I've started lots of crafty projects to channel my sadness. I was making these little miniature fish tanks of various objects, but those were taken from me. Safetly and security problem. Now I collage season and holiday themes on 8 1/2 X 11 paper and put them on my walls. The guards like them, but I am sure that someone will come along and take them from me, too. Just when I find a little joy, they end up taking it. There's not much joy left to take.
Eventually, I feel ike I'll be a withered up person inside, like a dried up pea. No joy. No love. Sad. That's what this room is doing to me.
The guard is yelling at us to turn out our lights. It's late. I hope you are well.
Sarah
Letters from the Inside, Christopher Porco, #3
Hi Kelly,
It is Sunday night, and I'm watching my Yankees hopefully clinch the division series tonight. The Twins are leading right now 1-0, butI have faith. How are you doing? How did the Story Slam go? It sounds like a lot of fun. Do you read the piece or recite it from memory? I really enjoyed it, a lot of the wit might be hard to translate to an audience if you dind't have a script, I think, but I guess if you memorize it well, it could be just as good or better. I have been to poetry readings and things of that nature, a lot of the time they come off as pretentious I think. I love the creativity and comedic possiblities of the story slam thing.
My cell is located near the door of the yard, which is nice in the Summer, because of the breeze, but bad tonight, it is like 25 degrees right now.. Currently, the door is wide open, because they are searching people as they come in. Apparently a copy fround a blood trail outside, and they are checking people for wounds. Lovely, I know. It isnt' uncommon for someone to get cut or bloody their hands fighting, and not wanting to get caught, trying to slip inside unnoticed. A couple months ago this guy I am somewhat friendly with stitched himself closed with dental floss after some kind of altercation outside. The thinking is that if you go to the hospital, you are going ot get moved, and won't get a chance to get the guy who cut you back. Not exactly the mentality I grew up with in the suburbs.
I love the fact that you have a dog. I think you can tell a lot about a person by if and what kind of pet they have. And I know it must be hard in the City to have a dog. What kind of place do you live in? I have always liked visiting the city, but dn't know how I would like living there. I suppose after my most recent accomodations, I could probably handle most situations though. My dog, Barrister, died last Summer, he was 14. He was our second Yellow Lab, and the second one named Barrister. Weird, I know. There are a lot of things to miss here, but for me one of the worst is the type of companionship you get from dogs. There is an absence of that unbridled warmth they bring. Ok, that sounded bizarre. I swear I'm not a crazy dog guy or anthing.
I didn't know you could access my court documents online. How did you get to them? There is a lot not included in them as well. Mostly as a result oof us not doing our job at trial. I may have mentioned the overconfident attitude that contributed to that. As to who I think did this [the murder] that's the million dollar question. If I had to guess, it would be someone connected to the priest sex abuse stuff that has been going on in the Albany area for several years now. I didn't learn this until after my trial, but my father was mentioned multiple times along with the judge he worked for in very threatening letters sent from various sex abuse victims. They seem to think there is some kind of Catholic conspiracy in the Albany legal system. (Many of the judges/lawyers are Catholic.) The lawyer who represents many of them contacted my lawyers and me before trial saying he had information about my case, but my lawyers basically ignored it. I truly do not know though. We have a fingerprint belonging to one of them, and DNA that matches two. And a description of cars that very well could have been the cars used in the getaway. One of the main hurdles I fce now is the lack of investigation that took place, both by us, and the police, in the beginning. And believe me, it is hard to do from a prison cell. I catually just sent a letter to Dr. Baden, the former M.E. of NYC, to ask him to take a look at the forensic pathology aspects of the case. Hopefully he will be willing to take a look, because I thin it is very likely the attack at my house took place around 11 or 12 on Sunday night, a time I could not have been anywhere near Albany. There are still a lot of loose ends out there. The key to all of this ti getting reversal though, so hope for that.
I mostly watch sports on TV, but always catch Desperate Housewives, and I am liking Glee on Fox. And I am embarrassed to admit I watch Gossip Girl too. Ha. You can only read so much, it is nice to have a tv in the cell with you.
Before all this, I was sort of an economics major in college. I say sort of because I didn't do a whole lot of schoolwork. I was on the swim team and in ROTC and lived in a Fraternity, which was great for my social life, but not so great for my grades. I've always wanted to be an attorney though, that hasn't changed. Right now I feel like I am just treading water, waiting around in limbo. It is a disconcerting feeling. So I am just racking up credit, I don't care so much what my undergrad degree is in, because of the law school aspiration. That requires a felony-free criminal record, which I don't have at the moment. Oh, my sentence is looong; 25 years plus 25to life. With good time, I would be eligible for parole after 46 years or so. Or as they say in here, my parole officer hasn't been born yet. I guess for sanity's sake, I try not to think or focus on that. I still believe in the system despite my current predicament. Hope is common here, but rarely bears fruit.
I would like to write about everything that has gone on in my life, I even think I could be good at it. There are legal considerations, I have to assume that anything on paper in my cell isn't going to be private. Probably the biggest reason why I haven't though is simpler, pure laziness. I just feel like I have so much to say, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel like I would just vomit out a bunch of stuff on paper that wouldn't be coherent at al. I know that is what first drafts are, but I don't know if I am even up to that point. I need to take some writing classes...
They just caught a guy right here with his knuckles all torn up, I guess he was fighting someone. He wiil probably end up getting sent to the box for a couple months. I have never been, but I imagine it isn't a pleasant experience... I am including a poorly lit, fuzzy polaroid so you can get an idea of what I look like after 3 years in prison. I got the tattoo here, I wanted a memento from prison, if I ever manage to get out. I learned how to make a tattoo gun out of a cassette motor and guitar string, and had the guy use that so I knew it wasn't being shared. I am terrified of getting some nasty disease... That said, I am going to cook some dinner and relax, so I will end for now. I hope you are well and staying warm. Say hi to mini, and take care of yourself. I will write again before too long.
Bye Bye,
Chris
***
It is Sunday night, and I'm watching my Yankees hopefully clinch the division series tonight. The Twins are leading right now 1-0, butI have faith. How are you doing? How did the Story Slam go? It sounds like a lot of fun. Do you read the piece or recite it from memory? I really enjoyed it, a lot of the wit might be hard to translate to an audience if you dind't have a script, I think, but I guess if you memorize it well, it could be just as good or better. I have been to poetry readings and things of that nature, a lot of the time they come off as pretentious I think. I love the creativity and comedic possiblities of the story slam thing.
My cell is located near the door of the yard, which is nice in the Summer, because of the breeze, but bad tonight, it is like 25 degrees right now.. Currently, the door is wide open, because they are searching people as they come in. Apparently a copy fround a blood trail outside, and they are checking people for wounds. Lovely, I know. It isnt' uncommon for someone to get cut or bloody their hands fighting, and not wanting to get caught, trying to slip inside unnoticed. A couple months ago this guy I am somewhat friendly with stitched himself closed with dental floss after some kind of altercation outside. The thinking is that if you go to the hospital, you are going ot get moved, and won't get a chance to get the guy who cut you back. Not exactly the mentality I grew up with in the suburbs.
I love the fact that you have a dog. I think you can tell a lot about a person by if and what kind of pet they have. And I know it must be hard in the City to have a dog. What kind of place do you live in? I have always liked visiting the city, but dn't know how I would like living there. I suppose after my most recent accomodations, I could probably handle most situations though. My dog, Barrister, died last Summer, he was 14. He was our second Yellow Lab, and the second one named Barrister. Weird, I know. There are a lot of things to miss here, but for me one of the worst is the type of companionship you get from dogs. There is an absence of that unbridled warmth they bring. Ok, that sounded bizarre. I swear I'm not a crazy dog guy or anthing.
I didn't know you could access my court documents online. How did you get to them? There is a lot not included in them as well. Mostly as a result oof us not doing our job at trial. I may have mentioned the overconfident attitude that contributed to that. As to who I think did this [the murder] that's the million dollar question. If I had to guess, it would be someone connected to the priest sex abuse stuff that has been going on in the Albany area for several years now. I didn't learn this until after my trial, but my father was mentioned multiple times along with the judge he worked for in very threatening letters sent from various sex abuse victims. They seem to think there is some kind of Catholic conspiracy in the Albany legal system. (Many of the judges/lawyers are Catholic.) The lawyer who represents many of them contacted my lawyers and me before trial saying he had information about my case, but my lawyers basically ignored it. I truly do not know though. We have a fingerprint belonging to one of them, and DNA that matches two. And a description of cars that very well could have been the cars used in the getaway. One of the main hurdles I fce now is the lack of investigation that took place, both by us, and the police, in the beginning. And believe me, it is hard to do from a prison cell. I catually just sent a letter to Dr. Baden, the former M.E. of NYC, to ask him to take a look at the forensic pathology aspects of the case. Hopefully he will be willing to take a look, because I thin it is very likely the attack at my house took place around 11 or 12 on Sunday night, a time I could not have been anywhere near Albany. There are still a lot of loose ends out there. The key to all of this ti getting reversal though, so hope for that.
I mostly watch sports on TV, but always catch Desperate Housewives, and I am liking Glee on Fox. And I am embarrassed to admit I watch Gossip Girl too. Ha. You can only read so much, it is nice to have a tv in the cell with you.
Before all this, I was sort of an economics major in college. I say sort of because I didn't do a whole lot of schoolwork. I was on the swim team and in ROTC and lived in a Fraternity, which was great for my social life, but not so great for my grades. I've always wanted to be an attorney though, that hasn't changed. Right now I feel like I am just treading water, waiting around in limbo. It is a disconcerting feeling. So I am just racking up credit, I don't care so much what my undergrad degree is in, because of the law school aspiration. That requires a felony-free criminal record, which I don't have at the moment. Oh, my sentence is looong; 25 years plus 25to life. With good time, I would be eligible for parole after 46 years or so. Or as they say in here, my parole officer hasn't been born yet. I guess for sanity's sake, I try not to think or focus on that. I still believe in the system despite my current predicament. Hope is common here, but rarely bears fruit.
I would like to write about everything that has gone on in my life, I even think I could be good at it. There are legal considerations, I have to assume that anything on paper in my cell isn't going to be private. Probably the biggest reason why I haven't though is simpler, pure laziness. I just feel like I have so much to say, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel like I would just vomit out a bunch of stuff on paper that wouldn't be coherent at al. I know that is what first drafts are, but I don't know if I am even up to that point. I need to take some writing classes...
They just caught a guy right here with his knuckles all torn up, I guess he was fighting someone. He wiil probably end up getting sent to the box for a couple months. I have never been, but I imagine it isn't a pleasant experience... I am including a poorly lit, fuzzy polaroid so you can get an idea of what I look like after 3 years in prison. I got the tattoo here, I wanted a memento from prison, if I ever manage to get out. I learned how to make a tattoo gun out of a cassette motor and guitar string, and had the guy use that so I knew it wasn't being shared. I am terrified of getting some nasty disease... That said, I am going to cook some dinner and relax, so I will end for now. I hope you are well and staying warm. Say hi to mini, and take care of yourself. I will write again before too long.
Bye Bye,
Chris
***
Saturday, October 10, 2009
An Education: A Study in Sociopathy
I went to see An Education. I was so looking forward to it. It's a tale of a sociopathic charmer and his seduction of a 16 year old honor student in 1960s UK.
I related to it because I, too, had my first romance with a 32 year old when I was 16. He wasn't necessarily completely sociopathic, although he was a drug addict who did his share of lying to both me and his live-in girlfriend (who later became his wife, who then even later became his ex-wife). However, he was always respectful of my wants, and I did nothing beyond kissing him for the 12 years I knew him.
The minute Sarsgaard (sp?) picks up Jenny at the bus stop I KNEW he was a sociopath. My movie companion didn't, sticking to the naive belief that they'd up end happily ever after, even after it comes to light he is a thief and liar.
I won't spoil the end, but it is a great little movie. Because it is based on the actual memoir of Lynn Barber, it rings very true.
It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite movies--in my top five--called Smooth Talk. It came out in 1985 and starred Laura Dern and Treat Williams. It is based on a Joyce Carol Oates story, that I believe is called "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" Such a subtle and beautiful--even though the subject matter is anything but--film. If you can get your hands on a copy, watch it as a companion piece to An Education.
Young women being seduced by older men is not a new theme by any means. I just wasn't sure if this would be more of a Lolita tale or a Smooth Talk one. Clearly it is the latter, but handled exceptionally well and with a relatively happy and uplifting ending.
These two movies should be mandatory watching for teenage girls and could easily be used as an entertaining learning tool. As highlighted in An Education, even the smartest of girls can be waylaid easily by a cunning man with an equally intense pathology.
I related to it because I, too, had my first romance with a 32 year old when I was 16. He wasn't necessarily completely sociopathic, although he was a drug addict who did his share of lying to both me and his live-in girlfriend (who later became his wife, who then even later became his ex-wife). However, he was always respectful of my wants, and I did nothing beyond kissing him for the 12 years I knew him.
The minute Sarsgaard (sp?) picks up Jenny at the bus stop I KNEW he was a sociopath. My movie companion didn't, sticking to the naive belief that they'd up end happily ever after, even after it comes to light he is a thief and liar.
I won't spoil the end, but it is a great little movie. Because it is based on the actual memoir of Lynn Barber, it rings very true.
It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite movies--in my top five--called Smooth Talk. It came out in 1985 and starred Laura Dern and Treat Williams. It is based on a Joyce Carol Oates story, that I believe is called "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" Such a subtle and beautiful--even though the subject matter is anything but--film. If you can get your hands on a copy, watch it as a companion piece to An Education.
Young women being seduced by older men is not a new theme by any means. I just wasn't sure if this would be more of a Lolita tale or a Smooth Talk one. Clearly it is the latter, but handled exceptionally well and with a relatively happy and uplifting ending.
These two movies should be mandatory watching for teenage girls and could easily be used as an entertaining learning tool. As highlighted in An Education, even the smartest of girls can be waylaid easily by a cunning man with an equally intense pathology.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #16
Kelly,
Just finished working through an architectural magazine--Habitus--Not my thing--too fancy. I like middle class homes the best. Like in the Midwest, homes that range from $90,000-$350,000--that's my speed. I think these ultra-rich, million dollar plus homes are a waste of resources. Even when they are made with landscaping, ponds, etc., it's still a waste. Anyone who can afford to spent 1.5 m of 4 m on a house can just as well spend $750,000 or 2m and use the other half to help make the world a better place.
Wastefulness bothers me.
My sister is the materialistic one in the family. She'd love that stuff. I can't justify or even feel good in my ind, owning a home with 5 bedrooms when I have no children and a small extended family. Seems ridiculous, like owning four cars for two people.
I like the handmade paper you sent. I once made paper using a sieve and pulus and added flower petals for design. Pretty.
Not been feeling happy. It's so hard to get out of a funk one I'm in one. I think being captured in this room is getting to me. Nine months in this cell 23 hours a day. Makes me want to bang my head and gnash my teeth.
Or sleep 16 hours out of the day.
I like the Sci Am article on depression. It makes sense, but in my case, I've gotten depressed, solved my issues at hand, and now have no energy or motivation to actually implement them. I hate this.
You speaking on technology, sounds like me when it came to new contraptions while I was out. What I figured out, though, was that all the TV/Cable/DVD connectors are color coded, so it's easy to plug one into the other. Red, yellow, white. Piece of cake. And that wireless router? Get help. Setting up the network is easy--but only after someone shows you the first time, which of course, it only takes one time. Anyway, I understand your technology dilemma, though I had a much better excuse for being backwards about it. :-)
Good luck!
My friend has a BlackBerry Bold and loves it! She can get internet, email, texts, radio stations, pictures, videos, and reception even if she were standing in the middle of the Gobi desert. She seems to love it, so I guess it's worth the investment for one. Better than a flat screen for a room you never watch tv in. Silly.
Only you can get a billion % off discount on slim fit leather pants because you are a 4. With the obesity rate so high and bikini season over with, the world is flooded with sizes 8-14. True story. But KUDOS to you, cuz that shit rocks. I'm happy @ size 10-12. Looking for to getting back to it. I enjoyed gaining weight out there. Food is comforting. YUM!
That sucks that your insurance doesn't cover acupuncture. My stepmom out in Seattle has coverage for acupuncture, massages and other alternative medicine. Can't you swithch companies w/o your premium going up?
I am scheduled to be released from solitary, 20 December. I will be moved to a dorm setting, where I will have a roommate and we will not be locked in our cells. I will be given a job and the opportunity to engage in programs or outdoor recreation activies with other offenders, like volleyball, jogging, etc. I will be able to use the phone when I want, shower freely, order food from commissary and most important, be able to hug my mother at visits. I am very much looking forward to it.
They don't really parole in Indiana. Parole is not an early release thing, it's a babysitting mechanism after being released on your regular outdate.
My wife is at Rockville Correctional Facility. She is the woman who helped me escape. I am not allowed to write to her nor am I able to even write freely about her. The DOC censors my letters. It's infuriating.
Congrats on placing 2nd at another story slam!!! I don't know your pigeon story, so I look forward to hearing that one along with how you place in the Grand Slam. Doesn't it feel good to know you are talented at stuff?
Never been vacationing to any place exotic or real special. My family is from Zimbabwe, though, so I've hear many neat stories, seen a thousand photos, and slifes of the bush. They say Africa gets in your blood. Romances you. Makes you hate it and love it so much, you never want to leave.
How long will it take for you to wrap up your civil case? And wouldn't you want to do jury duty at least once? It seems to me that you'd be an impartial member, for sure. So many people are judgemental these days and commit heinous acts of their own, by over convicting people.
Repressed anger manifests its ugly head.
How'd memoir writing class go? You keep so busy with neat stuff to do. Life is good, huh?
I can't believe you have written Reid off for drinking Ensure. Maybe he has Crohn's disease!! Although, he's still a creep, since I am convinced that his g/f doesn't know about you, or the extent of what he'd like to be doing with you.
I appreciated your 11 Sept stories. I was in jail at the time, having been there about one year. I remember the breaking news coverage and once the towers fell, they cut of our tvs and so there we all were, making up theories. Most of us agreed we were under attack and it would start WWIII. We plotted that if the enemy hit our cities, we would likely be unguarded and leave. We had grandiose schemes.
It is late. My head throbs. Time to lay down. I hope you are well.
Life is good.
Sarah
Just finished working through an architectural magazine--Habitus--Not my thing--too fancy. I like middle class homes the best. Like in the Midwest, homes that range from $90,000-$350,000--that's my speed. I think these ultra-rich, million dollar plus homes are a waste of resources. Even when they are made with landscaping, ponds, etc., it's still a waste. Anyone who can afford to spent 1.5 m of 4 m on a house can just as well spend $750,000 or 2m and use the other half to help make the world a better place.
Wastefulness bothers me.
My sister is the materialistic one in the family. She'd love that stuff. I can't justify or even feel good in my ind, owning a home with 5 bedrooms when I have no children and a small extended family. Seems ridiculous, like owning four cars for two people.
I like the handmade paper you sent. I once made paper using a sieve and pulus and added flower petals for design. Pretty.
Not been feeling happy. It's so hard to get out of a funk one I'm in one. I think being captured in this room is getting to me. Nine months in this cell 23 hours a day. Makes me want to bang my head and gnash my teeth.
Or sleep 16 hours out of the day.
I like the Sci Am article on depression. It makes sense, but in my case, I've gotten depressed, solved my issues at hand, and now have no energy or motivation to actually implement them. I hate this.
You speaking on technology, sounds like me when it came to new contraptions while I was out. What I figured out, though, was that all the TV/Cable/DVD connectors are color coded, so it's easy to plug one into the other. Red, yellow, white. Piece of cake. And that wireless router? Get help. Setting up the network is easy--but only after someone shows you the first time, which of course, it only takes one time. Anyway, I understand your technology dilemma, though I had a much better excuse for being backwards about it. :-)
Good luck!
My friend has a BlackBerry Bold and loves it! She can get internet, email, texts, radio stations, pictures, videos, and reception even if she were standing in the middle of the Gobi desert. She seems to love it, so I guess it's worth the investment for one. Better than a flat screen for a room you never watch tv in. Silly.
Only you can get a billion % off discount on slim fit leather pants because you are a 4. With the obesity rate so high and bikini season over with, the world is flooded with sizes 8-14. True story. But KUDOS to you, cuz that shit rocks. I'm happy @ size 10-12. Looking for to getting back to it. I enjoyed gaining weight out there. Food is comforting. YUM!
That sucks that your insurance doesn't cover acupuncture. My stepmom out in Seattle has coverage for acupuncture, massages and other alternative medicine. Can't you swithch companies w/o your premium going up?
I am scheduled to be released from solitary, 20 December. I will be moved to a dorm setting, where I will have a roommate and we will not be locked in our cells. I will be given a job and the opportunity to engage in programs or outdoor recreation activies with other offenders, like volleyball, jogging, etc. I will be able to use the phone when I want, shower freely, order food from commissary and most important, be able to hug my mother at visits. I am very much looking forward to it.
They don't really parole in Indiana. Parole is not an early release thing, it's a babysitting mechanism after being released on your regular outdate.
My wife is at Rockville Correctional Facility. She is the woman who helped me escape. I am not allowed to write to her nor am I able to even write freely about her. The DOC censors my letters. It's infuriating.
Congrats on placing 2nd at another story slam!!! I don't know your pigeon story, so I look forward to hearing that one along with how you place in the Grand Slam. Doesn't it feel good to know you are talented at stuff?
Never been vacationing to any place exotic or real special. My family is from Zimbabwe, though, so I've hear many neat stories, seen a thousand photos, and slifes of the bush. They say Africa gets in your blood. Romances you. Makes you hate it and love it so much, you never want to leave.
How long will it take for you to wrap up your civil case? And wouldn't you want to do jury duty at least once? It seems to me that you'd be an impartial member, for sure. So many people are judgemental these days and commit heinous acts of their own, by over convicting people.
Repressed anger manifests its ugly head.
How'd memoir writing class go? You keep so busy with neat stuff to do. Life is good, huh?
I can't believe you have written Reid off for drinking Ensure. Maybe he has Crohn's disease!! Although, he's still a creep, since I am convinced that his g/f doesn't know about you, or the extent of what he'd like to be doing with you.
I appreciated your 11 Sept stories. I was in jail at the time, having been there about one year. I remember the breaking news coverage and once the towers fell, they cut of our tvs and so there we all were, making up theories. Most of us agreed we were under attack and it would start WWIII. We plotted that if the enemy hit our cities, we would likely be unguarded and leave. We had grandiose schemes.
It is late. My head throbs. Time to lay down. I hope you are well.
Life is good.
Sarah
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bartlett Whitaker, #15
Dear Kelly,
Very powerful set of blogs on the Sept. 11th events. Maybe some of the most powerful think I have read on the subject. I bought this large coffee table book in 02 put together by...hell, I forget, but it was over 500 pages of photos from that day and the following weeks. There were the violent ones--the planes actually hitting, the Falling Man- and then there were the ones that spoke volumes in silence, like this little accountanty looking guy in a suit, covered in dust, his glasses fogged up, with literally thousands of pieces of partially burnt paper falling around him. He was looking down at one of these pieces of paper, which he had picked up, reading it. Like, he was in such a state of shock that reading that paper was the most imporant thing in the world. It was my favorite photo. My Sept. 11th story is nowhere near as dramatic as yours, obviously. I was in Waco at Baylor. I was supposed to be at my apartment, but I was really at a girlfriends. (please don't post this, as I was technically going out with the woman who was to come my fiancee at the time, and we are getting along very well right now and I don't want her reminded of my...ah, failings) I had worked late the night before at the bar, and didn't have class until 10, so I planned to sleep until 915ish. Alexis woke me up at just before 9, screaming to come look at the tv. It was totally surreal. We watched the second plane hit, just standing there in her living room, not a thread of clothes on, now really knowing what to do. I left pretty quickly, went to my apartment and packed a jump bag (survival shit, mostly) and set out for Houston, a trip of about 3.5 hours. I thought the possibility of any attacks in Houston were slim, as there are not too many serious militarily valuable targets there, unless you count the fact taht most of the companies which own the power grid are based there. But I knew that if something did happen in Texas, it was likely in Houston, probably via the Port. So I drove to my girlfriend's work , and then went to her house. She had just graduated and was living alone for the first time ever, and we just watched television all day. Her college roomate from UT eventually called us from NYC to tell us she was fine. We were glad to hear from her, because her cell wouldn't work, and she only lived like 20-30 blocks from the WTC. Maybe I'm wrong on that, how far is Tribeca from WTC? I know its not far, like on the other side of Chinatown from there, right? It's been a few years since I was there. It is odd that we both had the same thoughts about Bush being our president. Maybe not odd. Accurate.
8 years later, the violence of that initial act has compounded exponentially, though of course most americans don't care, as the thousands of dead muslims in the Iraq/Afghan wars are not really important to them. We could have cemented our place as a moral nation by a systematic disemboweling of the terrorist networks, but no, we went for the american option, mainly bombing the fuck out of everyone. And how look at us. Massive debts from the war, a truly impossible task of national building in Afghanistan, and maybe even larger task of having to make up for our mistake on the glogal stage. Sure would have been nice to have that 1 trillion dollars we spent in Iraqz in the national coffers right about now, huh?
Anyways, sorry Reid turned out to be a wussy. Ensure, huh? There was a guy with AIDS who lived next to me in the country jail who was given that shit. I guess he needed it. Besides vitamins, what's the point? There was a time my freshman year when I was lifting weights a lot, and I made these whey protein shakes. That is the only supplement that I have ever tried personally, but it does work, IF you really push yourself.
Thanks again for the article on Willingham. I ended up getting about 20 copies of that sent to me, but you were first. Very disturbing story. Rick Perry has a tough primary battle coming next year...he is tied up on the polls with Kay Bailey Hutchison, one of our senators. We all need him to lose, and lose badly. I'm not thinking that a democrat has much of a chance here in Texas, but if that primary battle gets real ugly, it might give a leftist candidate some ammunition.
It's cooled off there? Not here. Still hot as fuck. You know, you could use your India story for transformation, with a little tweaking. You could pretend that the experience transformed you into a vegetarian. :) Even the brujeria story could be a transformation from a believer in the occult into a skeptic, or vice versa. I mean, that is the point of stories, isn't it? The selective re-imagining of history? However you do it, I'm sure that you will do well.
Ugh, the Tyra show. I'm glad to hear you aren't participating. That has got to be the worst excuse for a television program currently on the air. That's not fair. I am sure there are worse. There is a television peace program in most of the jails I was in, which balanced the desires of the whites, mexicans and blacks. The Tyra show was always on, every day for the blacks. Why these hard-core gangsters gave a shit about the perils of menstruation (one of the shows, I'm serious) is beyond me. Maybe she has gotten better since 05/06 . None of those shows are worth anything to me. They are the softest of the news programs, to the extend that I don't even classify them as news. Pop-culture nonsense. Ha, now who sounds like your grandfather? Pass me an Ensure, please.
I'm trying to imagine what saffron pears would taste like. I've made a saffron risotto before, many times. Pears. I can see that, sure. As you can imagine, we don't see saffron too often on the trays there. Hell, around here, ketchup is considered a delicacy on par with white truffles.
It's about 2am right now. They were supposed to execute a guy I knew at 6pm yesterday, but we still have not hear anything about it. We are on lockdown, and they cut the radio feed 7 days ago, so only those of us who know how to build AM radio antennae are able to pick up the news, but none of them have reported anything. It's just not news down here. I'm guessing they got him. His "homies" all believed he would get a stay, but I don't see it. His last issue was technically valid, but his application of the issue was pretty tenous, and we all know the CCA could care less about such things. I just don't see it. I guess we will find out tomorrow.
Glad to hear work has picked up. I finally got to meet my new stepmom last week. She seems very nice and pretty quick. Good memory, which is vital because my dad has the tendency to forget stuff. Kind of cute, too. I guess that is a sign (another one) that I am getting to be an old fart, if I can say that about a 50-something. That, or I am just really, really deprived. Maybe both. They decided to stay an extra month in CO, so they won't be back until OCT now, but they did come back for a few days to look at a house they want to buy in Sugar Land and come to see me. She was pretty easy to talk to, which is good. She seems to make him happy, which is all that is important. I'm not sure if I mentioned that they are writing some christian book together or not. Something about hope. Yay, more hope. Just what we need. I am sure it will sell well.
Have you much experience with Craigslist? You mentioned it in your last entry, but it was not in existence when I was out there. How much does an ad cost? Is it free? Would a listing for my website profit from putting an ad up? I heard you have to pick a single city for the ad...I would probably pick NYC for a variety of reasons: largest media concentration in the US, reliably blue city/state, higher amount of liberal activist types, etc. etc. What do you think?
I got to see the season finale of Breaking Bad in the hospital. The last few minutes of the most recent season were...powerful, to say the least. I won't ruin it for you, but its a good example of how evil acts multiply exponentionally. It will affect you, I think, due to 9/11.
So Reid was too wimpy: What does Mr. Perfect look like to you? You have had a pretty varied life, so I'm curious to hear what your ideal mate would look like.
All right, I'm off. I hope that you are doing well, and that the warm weather lasts as long as possible for you. I would trade you any day. Be safe.
T
Just received your Sept 15th letter tonight...I will answer that soon! Thanks for the web address!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #49 & 50
#49: Letter dated Sept 19, 2009
Not going to transcribe this one as there isn't much noteworthy. He discusses MAD MEN in depth. Makes a few comments on a letter I sent him using some Gossip Girl references to discuss it. Is interested in learning of the current state of corrective surgery for the eyes. Discusses current movies and an old one I just saw, Loving. Briefly discusses his views on depression. Talks about the deaths of DJ AM and Patrick Swayze. Ends with stamp and pen shortage.
***
#50:
Dear KK---
Scarcity of stamps be damned--two letters from you deserves a prompt reply (unlike my sorry performance last week...) Plus your writing tends to have a way of demanding that it be answered and commented upon. What is the band's name---Jane's Addiction? Call this"Kelly K Addiction" - the only "cure" (a temporary fix to be sure!) is TO WRITE!
And there is much to write about, Kelly. Let me begin with the eternal topic of the weather, since you mentioned the onset of autumn. You have such a lovely way of putting a poetic touch on the seasons:
I love this: Kelly's Definition of FALL:
"Everything dies and it always seems dark."
Please give me the KK definition of winter. I'm sure it's life-affirming!
Anyway, just north & west of here, winter follows summer, or so it seems. Up in the high country on Pike's Peak (elev 14,000) they had several inches of heavy wet snow on Sun & Mon- also in other elevations down to about 10,000. Near freezing this morning.
But I know you stay for the City, not the weather. Given a choice between New York @30 degrees & East Texas @ 80 degrees, I think you'd choose NY.
One final weather note: I lived just south of Atlanta for over a year. That flooding these past few days has been incredible. With its interstates flooded, that whole metro area will be at a standstill. Mass transit is a joke. Plus most areas had never flooded before, so most homeowners have no flood insurance.
I cannot claim to be a real art museum/exhibition aficionado, even in better days. However, I saw a brief article about a William Blake exhibition "A New Heaven is Begun" at your Morgan Library & Museum. Blake is just unhinged & phantasmagoric--such bizarre & often powerfully religious visions of the world. You might recall that it was his stunning work "Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed with the Sun" that played central role in Thomas Harris's first "Hannibal Lecter novel": RED DRAGON.
Anyway, Kelly, if you have the time or inclination to see Blake at the Morgan, let me know what you think.
I was very glad to be wrong about that teen slasher/comedy "Jennifer's Body" Turned out to be a box office dvd. Not surprising was that the other "J" movie--Jennifer Aniston's latest, also fell flat. Someone needs to get J.A. some meaty roles outside of romantic comedies. Best I've seen her was in a film almost no one saw: "The Good Girl", where she played a plain Jane in a dead-end job with a pothead husband. Unless she demands it & takes some chances, she'll do romantic comedies her whole career. She needs some Charlize Theron roles. Speaking of which, what do you hear about "THE BURNING PLAIN" with Theron & Kim Basinger? I've seen the ads, but no review.
Quick item from the "MAD MEN" two weeks ago--when Betsy gives birth. Did you notice the glass IV bottles? Plastic IV bags didn't come until the 1970s. Attention to detail...
Thanks for the 3 JUN 63 date of death of John XXIII. Fits in perfectly with the timeline. [Ed.: I am omitting long discussion of Mad Men.]
***
Now onto your letters [see what you do to me?] Yours dated 11 SEP: yes, I was in jail. Saw the whole nightmare as it unfolded, and didn't sleep for 48 hours...The Kennedy Assassination of our lifetimes..so far...
OH MY GOD, KK--Thank you for your amazing and emotional blog entries from 9/11/01 & 9/12/01. To me those first person raw reactions to what was happening at the moment in real time, are the true history of that day, or any day, for that matter.
I have some comments, but let me wait until a 2nd or 3rd reading. Thanks again.
[Say what you will, I have no doubt you & I would have been good friends & probably more in another universe. To quote our man Desmond on "LOST" - "in another life, brother...]
***
Congrats on your 2nd place Story Slam showing with the OUTLAW theme. Given how well and colorfully you write, I am not at all surprised at how well you do at these things, but I am so happy for you!
I agree: P F __ G! [Ed. I do not know what this means or what he is referencing here.]
Should I have sent in a couple of stories? Just kidding...
You must tell me the story: your blog=police questioning? How did that happen?
Continuing with your letter: "TRANSFORMATION" is a heavy theme for the GrandSlam. My God, KK, you have transformed yourself and your life continuously since you left home. But "DARK SIDE" is definitely more your cup of tea! Good luck with both.
Sounds as though work is better. Has the real estate/publicity business left its worst days behind it? The economy seems to be recovering in fits & starts.
Yes, I have been to New Orleans. At Mardi Gras, no less. Amazing city. Of course it was tied to a truly lovely girl at the time. So much of what men do throughout our lives, Kelly, is tired to and controlled by the female sex. Really, you have no idea... Can talk about that interesting but potentially sexual OMG - Red Alter/Red Alert> topic much more if you want...Women have tremendous power, but many don't ever realize it...
You are so totally Super Type A, Kelly. Where do you find the time, with all you have going on, for Cooking School and Memoir Writing?!
And constructing pastries?
Do you read to the blind in your spare time?
To quote a "Seinfeld" episode...I have a friend who couldn't do in a month what you do in a week!
Need to wrap this up and get it in the mail to you, but a couple of film notes:
[Ed.: I am omitting film notes.]
Still have more to talk about-so once again this is Part I. Hope to get another letter off to you before the weekend.
So take care, keep slammin'! and know I"m thinking of you. Stay healthy, KK.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Thank you for the column about the new massive tome of J. G. Ballard's short stories. Already on my future paperback reading list.
Not going to transcribe this one as there isn't much noteworthy. He discusses MAD MEN in depth. Makes a few comments on a letter I sent him using some Gossip Girl references to discuss it. Is interested in learning of the current state of corrective surgery for the eyes. Discusses current movies and an old one I just saw, Loving. Briefly discusses his views on depression. Talks about the deaths of DJ AM and Patrick Swayze. Ends with stamp and pen shortage.
***
#50:
Dear KK---
Scarcity of stamps be damned--two letters from you deserves a prompt reply (unlike my sorry performance last week...) Plus your writing tends to have a way of demanding that it be answered and commented upon. What is the band's name---Jane's Addiction? Call this"Kelly K Addiction" - the only "cure" (a temporary fix to be sure!) is TO WRITE!
And there is much to write about, Kelly. Let me begin with the eternal topic of the weather, since you mentioned the onset of autumn. You have such a lovely way of putting a poetic touch on the seasons:
I love this: Kelly's Definition of FALL:
"Everything dies and it always seems dark."
Please give me the KK definition of winter. I'm sure it's life-affirming!
Anyway, just north & west of here, winter follows summer, or so it seems. Up in the high country on Pike's Peak (elev 14,000) they had several inches of heavy wet snow on Sun & Mon- also in other elevations down to about 10,000. Near freezing this morning.
But I know you stay for the City, not the weather. Given a choice between New York @30 degrees & East Texas @ 80 degrees, I think you'd choose NY.
One final weather note: I lived just south of Atlanta for over a year. That flooding these past few days has been incredible. With its interstates flooded, that whole metro area will be at a standstill. Mass transit is a joke. Plus most areas had never flooded before, so most homeowners have no flood insurance.
I cannot claim to be a real art museum/exhibition aficionado, even in better days. However, I saw a brief article about a William Blake exhibition "A New Heaven is Begun" at your Morgan Library & Museum. Blake is just unhinged & phantasmagoric--such bizarre & often powerfully religious visions of the world. You might recall that it was his stunning work "Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed with the Sun" that played central role in Thomas Harris's first "Hannibal Lecter novel": RED DRAGON.
Anyway, Kelly, if you have the time or inclination to see Blake at the Morgan, let me know what you think.
I was very glad to be wrong about that teen slasher/comedy "Jennifer's Body" Turned out to be a box office dvd. Not surprising was that the other "J" movie--Jennifer Aniston's latest, also fell flat. Someone needs to get J.A. some meaty roles outside of romantic comedies. Best I've seen her was in a film almost no one saw: "The Good Girl", where she played a plain Jane in a dead-end job with a pothead husband. Unless she demands it & takes some chances, she'll do romantic comedies her whole career. She needs some Charlize Theron roles. Speaking of which, what do you hear about "THE BURNING PLAIN" with Theron & Kim Basinger? I've seen the ads, but no review.
Quick item from the "MAD MEN" two weeks ago--when Betsy gives birth. Did you notice the glass IV bottles? Plastic IV bags didn't come until the 1970s. Attention to detail...
Thanks for the 3 JUN 63 date of death of John XXIII. Fits in perfectly with the timeline. [Ed.: I am omitting long discussion of Mad Men.]
***
Now onto your letters [see what you do to me?] Yours dated 11 SEP: yes, I was in jail. Saw the whole nightmare as it unfolded, and didn't sleep for 48 hours...The Kennedy Assassination of our lifetimes..so far...
OH MY GOD, KK--Thank you for your amazing and emotional blog entries from 9/11/01 & 9/12/01. To me those first person raw reactions to what was happening at the moment in real time, are the true history of that day, or any day, for that matter.
I have some comments, but let me wait until a 2nd or 3rd reading. Thanks again.
[Say what you will, I have no doubt you & I would have been good friends & probably more in another universe. To quote our man Desmond on "LOST" - "in another life, brother...]
***
Congrats on your 2nd place Story Slam showing with the OUTLAW theme. Given how well and colorfully you write, I am not at all surprised at how well you do at these things, but I am so happy for you!
I agree: P F __ G! [Ed. I do not know what this means or what he is referencing here.]
Should I have sent in a couple of stories? Just kidding...
You must tell me the story: your blog=police questioning? How did that happen?
Continuing with your letter: "TRANSFORMATION" is a heavy theme for the GrandSlam. My God, KK, you have transformed yourself and your life continuously since you left home. But "DARK SIDE" is definitely more your cup of tea! Good luck with both.
Sounds as though work is better. Has the real estate/publicity business left its worst days behind it? The economy seems to be recovering in fits & starts.
Yes, I have been to New Orleans. At Mardi Gras, no less. Amazing city. Of course it was tied to a truly lovely girl at the time. So much of what men do throughout our lives, Kelly, is tired to and controlled by the female sex. Really, you have no idea... Can talk about that interesting but potentially sexual OMG - Red Alter/Red Alert> topic much more if you want...Women have tremendous power, but many don't ever realize it...
You are so totally Super Type A, Kelly. Where do you find the time, with all you have going on, for Cooking School and Memoir Writing?!
And constructing pastries?
Do you read to the blind in your spare time?
To quote a "Seinfeld" episode...I have a friend who couldn't do in a month what you do in a week!
Need to wrap this up and get it in the mail to you, but a couple of film notes:
[Ed.: I am omitting film notes.]
Still have more to talk about-so once again this is Part I. Hope to get another letter off to you before the weekend.
So take care, keep slammin'! and know I"m thinking of you. Stay healthy, KK.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Thank you for the column about the new massive tome of J. G. Ballard's short stories. Already on my future paperback reading list.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #48
Dear KK,
Not sure if you've been following the very strange disappearance of that Asian med student at Yale in New Haven, CT. She was last seen this past Tuesday at 10am broad daylight entering a lab building. After that...nothing. And what has made this a national media obsession is that today was supposed to be her wedding day on Long Island. I know the NY tabloids have gone nuts over this story. So you have the whole "runaway bride" potential...or just another urban homicide.
The "Lives" column on "Truck Stop Girls" in Swaziland was darkly & brutally correct. It shows that the norms of poverty & sexual behavior have changed little since I was in southern Africa. Beyond the understanding of most Americans...
Great story "What A Wonderful World"... "a shrill loon, full of coarse white hair and overly-long toenails poking out of nylons." Her description perfectly captures her underlying insanity.
AND the locksmith never says a word! AND your own thoughts screaming in your head about the utter absurdity of the situation...
Still another entry in your book of collected essays. You have it half-written already!
On a serious note-when I was in med school, the young sister of a very close friend died of ovarian cancer. She was only 16--and had been ill for several years before. Very sad. Tragically, the detection & Rx of the disease has not equaled the advances in other types of cancer. Made quite an impact on me then--still does today.
So for you-a WSJ article on detection of ovarian cancer. Do read it, please.
Thank you for the David Sedaris story "Laugh, Kookaburra".
[Made me think of LOST again and wondering if it is a huge hit there with its Sydney connection?]
Anyway, you take care & hope to hear from you again soon.
Be well, Kelly.
Yours,
Michael
